The Unbearable Hamster of Being

Stinque We Must

2008-09-25T07:00:00.004-04:00

We had hoped to announce this under calmer circumstances, but events overtook intentions, so here goes:

Welcome to Stinque!

Stinque will be our new home from here on, and we're inviting everyone — bloggers and commenters — to come party with us.

Our intention for the site is simple: We want to embrace the traditions we've quickly developed at our old home, and allow them to continue evolving. While the primary focus remains politics, the name reflects the broader interests of our community: If someone wants to post or chat about sports, culture, Big Fucking Ocean Tornadoes, or even Project Runway, we want them to feel at home.

(We mention Project Runway here so that when we gag on somebody's finale liveblog, you can hold us to our promise.)

We hold no ill will towards our former hosts, and we don't want folks feeling like they have to choose sides. We just have Profound Creative Differences with their future plans, and thought it best to bow out now before we get all pissy about it.

We're Not the Only One Out to Lunch

2008-09-24T07:00:00.005-04:00

We've been highly distracted with geek chores the past couple of days, and we're discovering that trying to catch up with the Financial End Times is like missing an episode of a primetime serial — we have no idea how that polar bear got there, but we imagine it'll make sense eventually.

So pardon us while we attempt to wrap our exhausted mind around this:

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich (R-Ga.) warned his former colleagues that they would pay a price in November for backing the bailout now — and that John McCain could ride to victory over Barack Obama by persuading voters that the bailout is really the “Obama-Bush plan.”

Now step back from this a moment and consider: It's understandable that they want to run away from an unpopular president, and the Republican convention was the equivalent of outlaws trying to switch their black cowboy hats to white — but this is the first suggestion we've seen of throwing Dubya under the bus.

We're tempted to agree with Newt, just to see the attack ads — a Rovian snake swallowing its tail.

House GOP rises up against Cheney [Politico]

And in the Trunk, Bundles of Cash

2008-09-24T02:30:00.003-04:00

[via Blogenfreude]

Saw Hu Jintao from window today (and got picture) — he jumped out of limo, shook the hands of a carefully-assembled group of chinese people, then bounded across park avenue to do some more. Bush, on the other hand, hid in his limo.

Eternal Sunshine of the Blogless Mind

2008-09-23T07:00:00.003-04:00

If it seems like the world is vanishing from your grasp piece by piece, well, it is. One day your comments are taken away from you, the next week the whole posting engine goes south.

And while we would gladly accept $700 billion to fix it, fact is your money's no good here, just like the rest of the world. Either the Evil Hamsters deign to fix the database, or they don't. At least, being hamsters, it won't take much gold to sew their parachutes.

Besides, times are tough all over — just check out this headline from Business Week: Wall Street Bailout Could Crimp CEO Pay. Golly, that would be just awful, wouldn't it? It was only in 2005 that CEO pay was a mere 411-1 over working wages, and nobody wants to return to the dark days of 1990 when it cratered at 107-1. Fucking up the world economy is hard work, after all.

Let's face it: If we don't lend them a hand now, who will hire the gardeners for the McMansions? Topiary doesn't trim itself, pal.

No, no, we're fine, just something caught in our eye, that's all. But the moment we see Sally Struthers asking us for a few dollars to maintain an orphaned Lexus, god help us we're gonna lose it.

Liar’s Paradox

2008-09-22T16:42:00.000-04:00

Here's one for the annals of epistemology:

Sen. John McCain’s top campaign aides convened a conference call today to complain of being called “liars.” They pressed the media to scrutinize specific elements of Sen. Barack Obama’s record.

But the call was so rife with simple, often inexplicable misstatements of fact that it may have had the opposite effect: to deepen the perception, dangerous to McCain, that he and his aides have little regard for factual accuracy.

Oh Ben Smith, you're so adorable. "Little regard"?

McCain camp criticism rife with errors [Politico]

This Time It’s Personal

2008-09-22T10:00:00.000-04:00

"This is a desperate attempt to gain political advantage using scare tactics and deceit," said Tucker Bounds, a McCain spokesman.

How does he do that? How does Tucker Carlson's bastard child say that in the face of eight years of Rovian politics? Who taught him how to lie like that? What pampered Eastern elite college did he attend on Daddy's money?

Turns out he didn't. He went to a Western state university. A very Western state university. A state university so Western, you can hop in your Pinto and be walking the Florence beach within an hour.

Tucker Bounds, Boy Liar, Campbell Brown's Punching Bag, went to the University of Oregon.

My university. My home town. My fucking turf.

It's not like there aren't assholes among the Duck Diaspora. One of them owns a sneaker company, although we treat him nice because the money he saves from Asian sweatshops buys some nice buildings on campus. And the dead half of Simpson-Bruckheimer was responsible for putting Tom Cruise in a fighter jet. And we were really proud of Yosuke Matsuoka until he, um, signed up Japan with Germany and Italy a few generations back.

But we prefer to talk about Prefontaine. And James Ivory. And Randy Shilts. And Wayne Morse, one of the two senators to vote against the Gulf of Tonkin resolution. (The other? Ernest Gruening of Alaska. Small world!)

It's okay, we'll be fine. At least it rains a lot in Eugene — the stench has probably long since washed away into the Willamette.

Crisis Draws Attention to McCain Social Security Plan [WSJ]

'Dynamic Duck duo' help propel McCain's campaign [Oregonian]

That and $700 Billion Will Buy You a Bailout

2008-09-21T10:00:00.001-04:00

''This is a hole in the dike and it threatens to injure the safety and soundness of our banking system. It's alarming to believe that the Fed, usually the great defender of the banking system, is now leading the deregulatory charge.''

And so, like Babe Ruth pointing the bat towards right field, Chuck Schumer — then a Brooklyn congressman — called the catastrophe that would unfold twenty years later.

The year was 1987, and the occasion was a major Federal Reserve vote that loosened Depression-era restrictions on banks — notably, allowing them to begin underwriting those mortgage-backed securities we've heard so much about lately. The 1933 Glass-Steagall Act wouldn't fall for another dozen years, but this was the beginning of the end.

The Reaganomic argument of the day was that while FDR may have saved capitalism from itself, 1930s protections had been rendered quaint by 1980s conditions, that we needed to take off the leash so American financial oligopolies could compete with oligopolies overseas.

And besides, the Cassandras fearing unimaginable calamities like trillion-dollar bailouts had failed to recognize that the financial system was all grown up now. Thomas Theobald, vice chairman of Citicorp, offered three "outside checks" on market misbehavior:

"a very effective" SEC

knowledgeable investors

"very sophisticated" rating agencies

Give him credit — that's three for three in naming the most cited failures underlying the current meltdown.

Missing from the conversation that long ago spring was any reference to Gordon Gekko or "Greed is Good," but that's only because of a technicality — Wall Street didn't premiere until December. The movie's tagline: "Every dream has a price."

Bank Curb Eased in Volcker Defeat [NYT, May 1, 1987]

The Long Demise of Glass-Steagall [Frontline, 2003]

Coffee’s For Closers

2008-09-20T16:20:00.001-04:00

[Bush] added, "People are beginning to doubt our system, people were losing confidence and I understand it's important to have confidence in our financial system."

And speaking of con jobs, here's today's winning Lotto number: $700 billion.

Bush team, Congress negotiate $700B bailout [AP]

Those Were The Days

2008-09-20T10:00:00.001-04:00

Didn't Sarah Palin used to be somebody? We vaguely remember her from a few weeks back — maybe it was a crotch shot in a limo. Or that "Leave Sarah Alone" video. Or the other one. Or the one that's not the first two.

Maybe this will help:

Another valley activist, Philip Munger, says that Palin also helped push the evangelical drive to take over the Mat-Su Borough school board. "She wanted to get people who believed in creationism on the board," said Munger, a music composer and teacher. "I bumped into her once after my band played at a graduation ceremony at the Assembly of God. I said, 'Sarah, how can you believe in creationism -- your father's a science teacher.' And she said, 'We don't have to agree on everything.'"

Ah, now we remember: She's Chuck Heath's daughter. You know Chuck — he's retired now, likes to hunt moose and caribou. Used to teach science. And apparently, near as we can tell, didn't care much for creationism, at least not in the classroom. Good for him.

The pastor who clashed with Palin [Salon]

Is 'Palin Effect' already wearing thin? [SFGate]

Office Maxxx

2008-09-20T01:00:00.000-04:00

Poor Cheryl Oldham. She gets a "prestigious job supporting high-ranking corporate executives" at a magazine publisher, but her working life becomes a series of nightmares straight out of The Devil Wore Prada.

Sort of.

Substitute "Nothing" for "Prada", and you'll understand her predicament. Seems the boss has a taste for professionals in another line of work, but his office isn't sufficiently insulated to contain the din of their animated consulting sessions:

The prostitutes "made loud, obnoxious and repeated noises of sexual gratification that disrupted the office and (Oldham's) ability to perform the essential functions of her job," her lawsuit alleges.

So Cheryl takes it up with HR, but HR doesn't want to hear about it. The boss asks her to testify against a co-worker who's also distracted by the chanson d'amour, and when Cheryl refuses, the boss calls her a fat old cow. Disenchanted by the glamorous promise and squalid reality, she finally files a lawsuit.

And who's the boss, you ask?

Hustler's Larry Flynt sued over 'loud sex in the office' [Contra Costa Times]

World Financial Markets At a Glance

2008-09-19T10:00:00.000-04:00

U.S. Drafts Sweeping Plan to Fight Crisis As Turmoil Worsens in Credit Markets [WSJ]

KTHXBAI

2008-09-18T19:51:00.001-04:00

And we thought Bluetooth would be the death of us.

Engineer in Deadly LA Train Crash Was Texting [WaPo]

I’ll Broaden My Exposure If You Short Your Position

2008-09-18T15:11:00.001-04:00

The Fed will spray the dollars around the world via swap lines with other central banks who can then auction them in their own markets.

It's the end of the world as we bow-chicka-wow-wow know it...

Central Banks Offer Extra Funds to Calm Money Markets [Bloomberg]

The War on Boomers

2008-09-18T10:00:00.000-04:00

As we were about to say last Sunday before we got tired of sounding like an oracle and spiked the post, this might be the most critical week of the election: the week the caricatures settle in.

Events overtook our discussion anyway. Who cares what Sarah told Charlie? That's a pre-9/15 attitude in a post-9/15 world. The past keeps disappearing at an alarming rate this season, and we're sure something will happen this afternoon that makes us forget this morning. And whatever it is, Geezer will promise to reform that too, just after he tells us not worry about it.

But despite our admonition to not pay attention, we do peek at polls occasionally, especially if they promise to enlighten us beyond who leads among 1,100 adults stupid enough to answer the phone.

Even if takes — let's see — seven grafs to find what we're looking for.

And sure enough, what we find is this: Nothing has changed. Including the fact that everyone continues to ignore the only consistent statistic all year: your age.

If you're under 45, odds are 3-2 you support Obama. If you're over 65, the odds reverse. In between, even. You can chart that with a ruler, left to right.

This election is a war on Boomers, and it has been from the start. Sarah Palin didn't change that, probably because anyone her age or younger can see what an idiot she is without the intercession of Uncle Charlie.

Everything else is a smokescreen, mildly interesting chatter at best. If you expect to live until at least 2035, you're voting for your future. If your chances of surviving McCain's first term rival McCain's, you're begging for one more chance to fuck up the world royally before passing what's left of it to the next generation.

McCain Seen as Less Likely to Bring Change, Poll Finds [NYT]

Miss a Day, All Hell Breaks Loose

2008-09-17T10:00:00.000-04:00

So, while we were bravely rescuing CP commenters from being cast adrift on an ice floe, apparently Geezer said the economy is sound, and then he didn't, which was before or after he pulled a Gore and claimed squatter's rights on the Crackberry, but definitely before Failed HP CEO Carly Fiorina said he doesn't have the cojones to run a Fortune 500 company, while we discovered that Talibunny lurves them tanning beds, which makes the odds of Geezer croaking first from skin cancer less certain.

Oh, and Nader's talking to parrots.

We give up. Just throw the election into a blender and we'll check back later.

He’s Not Dead, He’s Resting

2008-09-16T19:38:00.001-04:00

Nader. Parrot. Awesome.

CP Commenter Strike Enters Second Day

2008-09-16T10:00:00.000-04:00

Sure, we could blame it on a malfunctioning database, but who are we kidding: It's you, taking your vengeance on our groundbreaking series of posts, "Sarah Palin: Get Over Yourselves, She Can't Be That Bad." You're dumbstruck by our sudden advocacy of plucky personality politics, and rather than comment, you're acting like a sulky bunch of goth kids.

Well, fine. Until you grow up enough to treat us with some level of respect and deference, we'll just leave the comments broken, and you can spend the day with the whiners at Kos and TPM. Then you'll come back on your knees, begging us to fix the comments, and maybe we will if your anguish pleases us.

And maybe we will anyway. Soon as we figure out how.

(Oh, hi, hamster fans! Sorry for the confusing crosspost. Actually, no we aren't. We don't make sense half the time anyway, why should we start now?)

We Interrupt This Campaign for a Financial Meltdown

2008-09-15T10:00:00.000-04:00

Fannie and Freddie? So last week. Yesterday it was Lehman Brothers going down, Merrill Lynch being sucked up by Bank of America, and AIG holding a $40 billion gun to the head of the Fed.

That would be AIG, "the nation's largest insurer", collapsing by Wednesday if its credit rating slips a notch this morning.

And all because you — yes, you — took out an exploding mortgage to pay for your exploding credit-card debt to cover your exploding student loans to get into a good college so you could enjoy financial freedom for the rest of your life.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

A Chaotic Sunday Opens Wall Street's Week [WSJ]

Talibunny Campaign Airplane Held Aloft by Journo Jollity

2008-09-14T16:41:00.000-04:00

Last night's SNL debut was enjoyed by everyone watching on Sarah Palin's jet. Well, almost everyone:

There were howls of laughter from the sizeable press corps covering Palin's first foray on the campaign trail without her running man as a chaperone.

But, from the front of the plane, silence. The flight attendants assured us Palin and her entourage were watching. What she thought, though, is anybody's guess.

Quick-thinking campaign operatives picked up on Chicago Bureau's remark and issued a release claiming the front-cabin silence stemmed from the following 85 minutes, not the first five.

Live From New York, It's Sarah (Tiny Fey) Palin! [ABC]

The Onion Throws Deep Into Python Territory

2008-09-14T10:00:00.001-04:00

It was either this or Yet Another Contrarian Electoral Essay. We figured you could use a break.

The Onion [via Sully]

Sarah Palin’s Gay Book Club

2008-09-14T04:59:00.000-04:00

TPM scores it a ban; we need to review the footage with the copy desk. Here's the play from the Times:

Witnesses and contemporary news accounts say Ms. Palin asked the librarian about removing books from the shelves. The McCain-Palin presidential campaign says Ms. Palin never advocated censorship.

But in 1995, Ms. Palin, then a city councilwoman, told colleagues that she had noticed the book “Daddy’s Roommate” on the shelves and that it did not belong there, according to Ms. Chase and Mr. Stein. Ms. Chase read the book, which helps children understand homosexuality, and said it was inoffensive; she suggested that Ms. Palin read it.

“Sarah said she didn’t need to read that stuff,” Ms. Chase said. “It was disturbing that someone would be willing to remove a book from the library and she didn’t even read it.”

“I’m still proud of Sarah,” she added, “but she scares the bejeebers out of me.”

That would be Laura Chase, Palin's "campaign manager" during her 1996 run for Wasilla mayor, when the town had less than 5,500 residents. "Bejeepers" is Alaskan for "holy shit that bitch is running wild."

The McCain campaign responds in a related AP story that "Governor Sarah Palin has never asked anyone to ban a book, period." Normally we'd parse that for nuance and spin, but since Geezer now favors the efficiency of repeated outrageous lies, we won't bother.

Instead we'll have a look at "Pastor I Am Gay", the other book earning Palin's Seal of Squeal. Written by Howard Bess, a "liberal Christian preacher" — we'll pause while you reread that — from nearby Palmer, the book was on the shitlist of Palin's church, the Wasilla Assembly of God. Bess says the rival church tried to force his book out of stores, and that librarian Mary Ellen Emmons (now Baker) told him several copies disappeared from the now-famous town library.

Must be a sale on scandals today. Buy Censorship, and we'll throw in Homophobia for free!

Once Elected, Palin Hired Friends and Lashed Foes [NYT]

GOP campaign downplays Palin book-banning inquiry [AP]

For the Record, Bristol’s Pregnancy

2008-09-13T18:34:00.001-04:00

"The McCain campaign said Gov. Palin opposed the bridge to nowhere, but now we know she supported it," said Obama spokesman Tommy Vietor in a statement. "They said she didn't seek earmarks, but now we know she hired a lobbyist to get millions in pork for her town and her state. They said she visited Iraq, but today we learned that she only stopped at the border. Americans are starting to wonder, is there anything the McCain campaign isn't lying about?"

Palin never in Iraq, campaign now says [CNN]

Harshing the Buzz

2008-09-13T10:00:00.000-04:00

If there's one thing we do fear this fall, it's not the increasingly whimsical attack ads, but the Rovian ground game. While we remain confident that 51 percent of the American electorate will come to their senses soon enough, we're not at all confident they'll actually be allowed to, y'know, vote.

Let's start with a taste of Andrew Hacker's article in the latest New York Review, which reminds us of the score to date:

Requiring a driver's license to vote has a disparate racial impact, a finding that once commanded judicial notice. To apply for the state ID card that Indiana offers as an alternative, moreover, nondrivers must travel to a motor vehicles office, which for many would be a lengthy trip…

The Indiana decision [Crawford v. Marion County Election Board] will not only make it harder to add new people to the rolls; many who had previously voted without photo identification are now required to produce an official photograph. If Marion County (Indianapolis) has the same proportion of unlicensed voters as Milwaukee County, I count it as having more than 44,000 black residents who will be needing transport to motor bureaus to ensure that each item in their nondriver ID application has been properly filled in. Extended nationwide, this means that a lot of on-the-ground assistance is going to be needed.

And if that's not enough to grab your attention, here's the breaking news from Wisconsin: state attorney general J.B. Van Hollen has filed a lawsuit against the state's election board, insisting that it crosscheck driver's license registrations on voters who registered or changed address since January 1, 2006.

an election official said the lawsuit could force clerks to check data on about 1 million voters. And critics accused Van Hollen — a Republican serving as the state co-chair of John McCain’s presidential campaign — of filing the suit for partisan gain.

We won't even bother listing suspicions about The Company Formerly Known As Diebold, or the integrity of its equipment in the best of circumstances. It's enough to note that concerted efforts to Block the Vote are already underway, in states where denying the franchise to significantly large numbers of American citizens would be beneficial to a campaign too desperate to lose.

In other words: It's the Ballots, stupid.

Obama: The Price of Being Black [NY Review]

Van Hollen’s voter-check lawsuit sets off a tempest [Milwaukee Journal Sentinel]

There’s a Rodney Dangerfield Line in Here, and We’re Not Going There

2008-09-13T01:00:00.000-04:00

On one hand, we're just a tad uncomfortable running this as the Porn Post.

On the other hand — we can't resist.

But it's a sad story. David W. Johnson's wife suffered a stroke some years back, and she was placed in a Portage, Wisconsin, nursing home. Although she was all but comatose, he remained a devoted husband, visiting daily, reading her the Bible, moving her limbs so her muscles wouldn't atrophy.

Oh, and closing the door to her room and, er…

Yeah. That.

But that's not the story. The staff grew suspicious that he was too loving a husband, and tipped off the cops. The cops got a search warrant, installed a hidden camera in the room, and…

There you go. Caught on tape. That's the weird part.

The wife's sister is cool with loving hubby, so we're not going to pull a Frist and diagnose his behavior from afar. But the tape was used to bring charges against hubby, the tape was thrown out of court as the product of an illegal search, and the tape was the basis of an unsuccessful appeal by prosecutors to a state appeals court.

And the tape may yet travel to the Wisconsin Supreme Court.

Not that anybody's watching it, of course. Are they?

Wis. court: Cops illegally taped nursing home sex [AP]

Fear Me.

2008-09-12T15:42:00.001-04:00

Nojo, 7 a.m.: "Kindie Porn already established that John McCain was willing to lose his integrity to win an election."

TPM, 3:04 p.m.: "An Obama spokesperson just blasted out a statement comparing McCain's current campaign to the infamously despicable 2000 campaign run against him in South Carolina -- true fighting words -- and adding that McCain 'would rather lose his integrity than lose an election.'"

(Update: And in the Low-Hanging Fruit aisle, you can see variations on the theme starting to show up in late July. But hey, it's all about timing.)

Gradually We Became Aware of a Hum in the Room

2008-09-12T10:00:00.000-04:00

One of the tricks to surviving the next couple of months is to not pay attention.

And by that we mean: Don't twitch like a goddam exposed nerve at every development.

To put it politely.

We sat out Lipstickgate, for example, because Kindie Porn already established that John McCain was willing to lose his integrity to win an election. No point tossing our soda over subsequent installments. (Unless they're really good, of course. But Kindie Porn sets a high standard in low politics.)

It's a matter of finding the signal in the noise, the leading indicators of where things are going. Some days there's so much static, you might as well be listening to Al Smith battle Herbert Hoover on the wireless. Other days you might notice that Geezer doesn't draw adoring crowds without Talibunny to display like a motocross queen, and file that for future reference. Three strikes is a trend.

What you don't do is worry about the latest poll revealing that Demographic A supports Candidate B because of Issue C. Demographics don't vote. States do. (The exception: Throughout the spring, folks under 50 were very likely to be Obama voters. The vote was split by generation, not gender. We're keeping an eye on that.)

You also write off what cannot be changed, and see what remains. You know Charlie Gibson is going to be lobbing snowballs, so move on to something else — unless Talibunny fields them with a blowtorch. You know the media's going to roll over and play dead (exceptions always welcome), so start considering whether anyone outside the chattersphere is paying attention.

We remain confident, but the election was never a given. The disconnect between John McCain's reputation and John McCain's actions — "I'm John McCain, and I approved this latest abomination of a commercial" — has yet to settle in. But it's being noted, and not just by Obama partisans. We know what an electoral tipping point feels like ("There you go again!"), and we haven't felt it yet.

The moment we do, we'll order that steerage ticket for the Ark.

Let’s Do the Bump

2008-09-11T20:36:00.001-04:00

Okay, the state polls are starting to catch up with events, so let's have a look at the field.

The chart above is the one we're watching most closely — it shows the electoral-vote count in states where either candidate leads by more than 5 percent. (We're treating everything else as a statistical dead heat.) State polls aren't released as frequently as national dailies, and this chart averages polling over the past seven days, so there's gonna be some lag in the results.

And if you want to say that Obama drove off a cliff after the Republican convention — wait a sec.

Certainly more states are in play at the moment, which shouldn't be unexpected. We'll need another week, after the hysteria dies down, to see whether that's a blip or a fact.

But what catches our attention — provisionally, it's still early — is that McCain hasn't made any significant gain. You'd expect the lines to cross right about now, and granted, they still might. But so far, the takeaway is that while voters aren't certain about Obama, they don't seem to have much stomach for the alternative.

For comparison, let's look at 2004:

So much bobbing and weaving there, it might as well be a toss-up — nothing approaching the clarity of this year's pattern.

And that's one reason why we're not freaking out yet — it's just too soon to hit the eject button, and nothing's yet outside our comfort zone. Circumstances may change in another week, but the only bump we're seeing so far is a speed bump for Barry.

Electoral College Graphs 2008 [Electoral-Vote.com]

In America, No One Can Hear You Scream

2008-09-11T18:34:00.001-04:00

Live from Wasilla [Band of Thebes, via Sully]

When Demagogues Attack

2008-09-11T10:00:00.001-04:00

Back in our distant childhood, Joe McCarthy was even more distant, someone you would see, if at all, in a scratchy kinescope clip. He was as quaint as a war movie, as irrelevant as the Andrews Sisters.

We knew about "McCarthyism" long before we knew about McCarthy. The word, if not the man, was relevant in the political climate of our youth. It was used with derision. It was something to avoid. It was the L Word of its day.

Joe came to mind as we were contemplating Barry's response to McCain's Rovian attack ads. It seems a tepid response at first, not at all what's required. It's not angry.

I don't care what they say about me, but I love this country too much to let them take over another election with lies and phony outrage and swift-boat politics. Enough is enough.

Well, fine, we were thinking, but civility doesn't win elections. Get out the rhetorical bat, whack some rhetorical kneecaps. Politics is bloodsport, violence punctuated by consultant meetings. Man up.

But then we remembered the line that finally broke Bomber Joe's winning streak:

“Until this moment, Senator, I think I never really gauged your cruelty or your recklessness... You’ve done enough. Have you no sense of decency, sir, at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?”

And just like that — in that very moment — it was over. Joseph Welch slayed the dragon.

It's a risky strategy in the hothouse timeframe of a fall presidential campaign, but hey, it's risky running as a black man in These United States. We want to see more, we want to see it expressed with more conviction. But the more egregious McCain's attacks get — and they will, Rovians can't help themselves — the more righteous civility just might carry the day.

Obama On Lipstick Controversy: Attacks Media, Says "Enough Is Enough" [TPM]

Andrew Sullivan Greets the Apocalypse

2008-09-10T15:59:00.000-04:00

Yes, McCain made a decision that revealed many appalling things about him. In the end, his final concern is not national security. No one who cares about national security would pick as vice-president someone who knows nothing about it as his replacement. No one who cares about this country's safety would gamble the security of the world on a total unknown because she polled well with the Christianist base. No person who truly believed that the surge was integral to this country's national security would pick as his veep candidate a woman who, so far as we can tell anything, opposed it at the time.

McCain has demonstrated in the last two months that he does not have the character to be president of the United States.

Nobody's listening to him either, but it's fun to watch him stew.

McCain's Integrity [Atlantic]

The Madness of Crowds

2008-09-10T10:00:00.000-04:00

No, we're not talking about the idiots cheering on a teleprompter jockey because they've suddenly become fans of Lifetime biopics. We're talking about the people who fear those idiots.

We're talking about, as a Kos commenter aptly described it, Palin Panic Anxiety.

Word to the wise: Take a long, slow, deep breath. Repeat all week, if necessary.

And now, let's address the facts:

McCain chose Palin to appease the fundamentalist power brokers in his party. The gambit worked, and she is more popular than he is among the idiiot faithful. If anything, the power brokers are now warning Geezer not to distance himself from her divisive religious views.

The idiot faithful are beyond redemption. Write them off. Now. They are not susceptible to reality, and they never were. They will swallow the spin as given, and even fill in their own spin when guidance from McCain's Rovian puppetmasters is not available. For further details, consult the evolution of Greek mythology.

We're still riding a very big wave from a very big performance. It's going to continue cresting this week, and it might even last into the next. It's going to consume all attention from the media, and from supporters and opponents. That is the nature of these things, and there is no point wasting energy on resisting. Ride it out.

Meanwhile, the prosecution's case grows day by day, as Chainsaw's series of posts amply demonstrate. These things will gain no traction right now, but they are on the record, and will start seeping into general consciousness once the initial novelty and enthusiasm wanes. Americans get bored very quickly, and once they've had their fill of Maverick Hockey Mom, they'll need some fresh news to keep them interested.

That's when we'll start hearing The Rest of the Story, and that's when doubt will begin to disturb the Fabled Undecided, those who are enjoying the show right now but aren't committed to the plot. Think Heroes and Lost, initially wildly popular but stumbling after their first seasons. In presidential politics, the second season comes very quickly.

Sarah Palin: Child Abuser

2008-09-10T06:47:00.000-04:00

We're on the verge of setting up a spreadsheet to keep track of all this, but here's the latest in Talibunny: The Sarah Palin Chronicles...

An Anchorage judge three years ago warned Sarah Palin and members of her family to stop "disparaging" the reputation of Alaska State Trooper Michael Wooten, who at the time was undergoing a bitter separation and divorce from Palin's sister Molly.

How bitter? Trooper Wooten — try saying that without attracting half the birds within earshot — was the subject of twelve complaints to state police by assorted Palins. Talibunny was between jobs at the time, and the judge saw no need to treat her with deference. "Disparaging will not be tolerated — it is a form of child abuse," he said at a settlement hearing.

And he meant it. If the Palin Posse didn't back off, he threatened to send the kid to daddy instead.

Warned by the Court [Newsweek]

Democracy in America

2008-09-09T19:34:00.000-04:00

"Obama's one accomplishment? Legislation to teach 'comprehensive sex education' to kindergartners. Learning about sex before learning to read?"

Of course the ad blatantly distorts the facts of the matter, but let's not worry about nuance at the moment. John McCain is staking his claim in the gutter. Gloves off, Gentleman Barry.

New McCain Ad Falsely Suggests Obama Wants Kids To Learn "About Sex Before Learning To Read" [TPM]

We Hope He Focus-Grouped That One

2008-09-09T19:21:00.000-04:00

Barry gets, how you say, uppity:

"You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig," Sen. Obama said during a town hall style event in Lebanon, Virginia. The comment was a reference to Gov. Palin's joke during the Republican National Convention that lipstick is the only difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom.

Ummm, okay... But as much as we'd like to see some offense, something tells us this might might not spin well. His other one-liner was less provocative: "You can wrap an old fish in a piece of paper called 'change,' it's still going to stink."

Obama Turns Up Heat on Palin [WSJ]

Madden Electoral College ’08

2008-09-09T10:00:00.000-04:00

We felt a disturbance in the Force upon the release of the latest polls Monday, but before everyone rushes off to their favorite Tatooine dive bar to drink themselves into oblivion while the world blows up, a note of caution:

National polls don't mean shit.

Sure, they're amusing, and fun to chatter about when we're not trash-talking Talibunny, but after our civics lesson in 2000 — Al Gore won the popular vote, in case you haven't heard — we should be well aware of the Dead Hands of the Founders upon our electoral system.

The action is in the states, and state polls are the only polls that matter. Our Telestrator seems to be broken, but if you imagine us doing a Minority Report on the map, you'll see that the vase looks just like a face.

Hold on, wrong map.

Okay. The two joints we follow both show Obama with commanding leads in the electoral-vote count — especially in sure-thing states — and this hasn't changed all summer. Because they both average polls over the past week, they won't really show the effect of Moose & Squirrelcheeks for a few more days, but if all Talibunny does is make red states redder, we're not worried.

But we will have that drink. Who needs an excuse?

Electoral Vote.com • Pollster.com

You Won’t Like the Media When They’re Angry

2008-09-09T04:21:00.000-04:00

Congratulations to the Washington Post for bagging the first trophy of the Presidential Hunting Season, a handsome 12-point buck of a scandal involving America's Talibunny:

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin has billed taxpayers for 312 nights spent in her own home during her first 19 months in office, charging a "per diem" allowance intended to cover meals and incidental expenses while traveling on state business.

That would be a tidy $16,951 collected for sleeping in her own bed. Go Mavericks!

Palin Billed State for Nights Spent at Home [WaPo]

Obama Uses the L Word, America Faints

2008-09-08T18:26:00.000-04:00

Barry takes up Rachel's suggestion, calls lying for what it is. Can America handle the truth?

Talibunny Improvises, Hilarity Ensues

2008-09-08T14:18:00.001-04:00

McCain's running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, speaking in Colorado Springs, Colo., said Fannie and Freddie had "gotten too big and too expensive to the taxpayers." The companies, however, aren't taxpayer funded but operate as private companies. The takeover may result in a taxpayer bailout during reorganization.

Granted, the only folks who will find that funny are the handful who know how Fannie and Freddie work. And granted, that handful doesn't include their managements. But it's a start.

Candidates briefed on seizure of Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac [McClatchy via TPM]

Famous Blogger Answers Your Questions

2008-09-08T10:00:00.000-04:00

Q. Are you a liberal partisan hate rag?

A. No. We hate all idiots equally.

Q. Why are you using a derogatory term against women?

A. You mean "cunt" and "trollop"? You must have us confused with Maverick McCain.

Oh, pussy. Right. Actually, "you're a pussy" is a common expression accusing someone of lacking courage, especially in an athletic context such as hockey games. But if you'd like, John McCain is a dick. Fair's fair.

Q. I get it. People think differently than you so they aren't thinking for themselves.

A. No, people reading from someone else's canned scripts aren't thinking for themselves. People who think differently from us are merely wrong.

Q. This is liberalism to its core: I'm smarter than you are and I'm going to yell and rant till you agree with me.

A. We are, we will, but we don't expect you to agree with us. To quote Lex Luthor, "My genius is no match for your ignorance."

Q. She ain't gonna find an unbiased network except for Fox.

A. If the survival of the human race were dependent upon your acuity, we'd be worried. Which, come to think of it, we are.

Q. She has a major in journalism and a minor in political science. She was also an on-air sports reporter, so I think she knows how to handle the media and their pettiness.

A. It's not Chris Matthews we're worried about, it's Vladmir Putin, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Hu Jintao, Kim Jong-il, and whoever has the launch codes in Pakistan, for starters. If Sarah Palin is too chickenshit to chat up even Katie Couric, we fear for the Republic when John McCain is taken out in a tragic motocross accident next year.

Q. Perhaps, and I'm really going out on a limb here, she's spending some precious time with her family before she hits the road. You know, with that baby with Downs and with her pregnant daughter.

A. Or maybe, just maybe, John McCain selected a manifestly unprepared governor of Alaska with no known interest in national or international issues as his running mate to appease the Fundamentalist power brokers in his party and skim off a few Hillary voters in the bargain, handed her a prewritten and hastily revised speech to deliver at his convention, sent her on the road with a teleprompter to make sure she sticks to the script, and is taking pains that she avoid any extemporaneous contact with a microphone for fear she says something that reveals how little she knows or how divisive her views on social issues are.

But that's just us spitballing.

Q. Palin has agreed to an interview with Charlie Gibson of ABC. What do you have to say about that, smartass?

A. We welcome the opportunity to drop "pussy" and switch over to the more delightful "Talibunny."

Can Sarah Palin think for herself? [Debate Policy]

MSNBC Makes Daring Play for Dullness

2008-09-08T02:14:00.000-04:00

We hope you enjoyed the Keith & Chris Show at the conventions, because it's just been canceled.

David Gregory will be anchoring MSNBC coverage of the debates and election night. Viewers complained that Olbermann and Matthews were too interesting and lacked the soporific run-on mastery of Wolf Blitzer.

Joe Scarborough was shoveling out back and could not be reached for comment.

MSNBC Drops Olbermann, Matthews as News Anchors [WaPo]

Pussy Palin Hides in the Attic

2008-09-07T10:00:00.000-04:00

Sarah "Pussy" Palin, craven understudy leader of the free world, remains too chickenshit to face the public without a script written by somebody else, raising serious questions about her ability to answer a 3 p.m. call from David Gregory, much less a 3 a.m. alarm about Vladimir Putin.

John McCain, Barack Obama and Joe Biden will all be appearing on the Sunday chatterfests today. Cuddles Wallace held open a slot for Palin, but she had a nervous fit and will be flying back to Alaska to shoot things that don't shoot back. "She calls herself a pit bull, but she's acting like a poodle," says a well-placed blogger, speaking on condition that the neighbors turn down their fucking TV at night.

We're now in Day 10 of Pussy Palin's Campaign of Zen, and desperate acolytes are searching for something, anything, to prove to doubters that she's capable of speaking her mind, and not her speechwriter's.

Perhaps this will tide us over:

“Turning maybe purple in the state means, to me, it’s more independent, it’s not the obsessive partisanship that gets in the way of doing what’s right for this state, and I think on a national level that’s what we’re gonna see,” Palin said about Obama's prospects in Alaska before aliens abducted her. “I’m a mom, and my son is going to get deployed in September, and we better have a real clear plan for this war. And it better not have to do with oil and dependence on foreign energy.”

We feel better now. She said that only a few weeks ago.

Palin on Obama [New Yorker]

When We Get Bitter, We Cling to Monty Python

2008-09-06T10:00:00.000-04:00

It’s Not Minneapolis Airport, But It’ll Have to Do

2008-09-06T01:00:00.000-04:00

Remember that scene in Fargo? No, not that one. The nice little moment where Frances McDormand's husband is preoccupied with entering the federal duck-stamp painting competition.

The competition is real. Every year, duck hunters need to buy a license before heading out to do an Elmer on Daffy. And every year, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service issues a Migratory Bird Conservation and Hunting Stamp for the purpose.

Joe Hautman of Plymouth, Minnesota, won this year's competition. He's one of "those Hautmans," the brothers Norm Gunderson frets about to Margie.

The stamp looks like a postage stamp: Beautiful waterfowl painting. Dollar amount. And the toll-free number for a phone-sex service.

Oops.

Not Joe's fault, just some dyslexia in the layout department. The number to buy more stamps is 1-800-782-6724, but someone typed it as 1-800-872-6724.

No big deal. The first translates as 1-800-STAMP24. The second is 1-800-TRAMP24.

Duck Stamp includes phone-sex number [StarTribune.com]

Rampant Shoplifting Breaks Out During McCain Speech

2008-09-05T20:00:00.001-04:00

Looks like Nancy Wilson will have to get in line, because "Barracuda" ain't the only thing the Geezer stole last night.

As he spoke, a number of images appeared on the Plasma of Liberty behind him. And the folks behind one those images aren't happy.

TPM has been following the big story all day: a photo of a white building wasn't Walter Reed Medical Center (as presumed), but Walter Reed Middle School in Los Angeles.

"Permission to use the front of our school for the Republican National Convention was not given by our school nor is the use of our school's picture an endorsement of any political party or view," said Principal Donna Tobin.

California dems are staging a press conference there any moment.

Meanwhile, second-string scandal-monger Daily Kos has identfied at least four photos from the Geezer's video intro that came from an online stock-photo agency. (Good shots, good prices — we use them all the time.) What the Kos Kiddies find intriguing about the selections is that they feature black people, who otherwise were MIA during the convention.

School Raps McCain For Using Image As Speech Backdrop Without Permission [TPM]

McCain Winning Coveted "Stock Photos" Demographic? [Kos]

Nancy Wilson Bitchslaps Pussy Palin

2008-09-05T12:56:00.001-04:00

"I feel completely fucked over."

Nancy Wilson to Entertainment Weekly, after the McCain campaign shoplifted Heart's "Barracuda" this week. Sarah "Pussy" Palin, understudy leader of the free world, was too chickenshit to respond.

Heart's Nancy Wilson responds to McCain campaign's use of 'Barracuda' at Republican convention [EW]

Sarah Palin is a Pussy

2008-09-05T10:00:00.000-04:00

"For the complete story on Sarah Palin – including how her family deals with Trig's condition, and how they are embracing Bristol's pregnancy – pick up this week's PEOPLE, on newsstands Friday."

Well, that's nice, and it'll certainly make our next visit to Ralphs more entertaining while we suffer that idiot writing a check ahead of us in line.

And for now, that's all we'll hear from Sarah Palin in her own words.

It's been a week, and the Republican nomineee for Vice President of the United States has not spoken in an unscripted or uncontrolled setting. She hasn't held a press conference. She hasn't chatted with the boys in the back of the Straight Talk Express. Heck, she hasn't even shown up in the warm confines of a Fox News studio.

What's she afraid of? Is the future understudy leader of the free world too scared to talk to even cuddly Chris Wallace? (Stay tuned on that.)

To be fair, she'll be busy — she has thirty fundraisers scheduled over the next sixty days. (Not for the campaign, which is sucking at the public teat this fall, but the RNC and state parties.) But if Barry can face down Papa Bear, surely she can drop by Chris Matthews to show us who has the hardballs.

Unless she's a chickenshit. Are you a chickenshit, Sarah Palin? Because we just said you are — all talk, no stick. And we think you're too chickenshit to prove us wrong.

Sarah Palin Talks About Her Family Struggles [People]

When Will Palin Meet the Press? [Newsweek]

The Charlie Browniest

2008-09-04T15:57:00.000-04:00

Chuck Jones gets all the attention — for Bugs, for Road Runner, for the Grinch — but our unsung childhood hero is Bill Melendez, the animator who brought Peanuts to life.

Things could have gone terribly wrong: the network wanted a laugh track, the network wanted adults to voice the kids, the network wanted anything other than jazz on the soundtrack. But Melendez and Sparky Schulz stuck to their guns, insisting that their way was the only way it would work.

And so they created "A Charlie Brown Christmas" and "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown", and we slept in Charlie Brown sheets and pillowcases for years. Robert Smigel — Triumph, all those SNL shorts — calls the Christmas special "the greatest half-hour American TV has ever produced."

Bill Melendez died Tuesday, at age 91.

Bill Melendez, 91; Award-Winning 'Peanuts' Animator [WaPo]

That Seventies Show

2008-09-04T10:00:00.001-04:00

Whatever the demographers say, to be a Boomer you had to come of age during the Sixties. If you grew up in the Seventies — like Barack Obama, like Sarah Palin, like me — you're not a Boomer. You're not really Gen X, either — that's Eighties. We weren't born with Sesame Street, we didn't go to high school with MTV. Video games? Pong.

We don't have a label. We've rarely been pandered to — Dazed and Confused, Wayne's World, that's about it. (Rocking out to Queen in a Pacer? That's ours, baby.) We're in the shadows of two mountains.

Let me tell you a few things about the Seventies. It was the decade when retro first hit the market, when America started looking back instead of forward. American Graffiti. Happy Days. Grease. Animal House. We didn't have our own moment. We had a rerun of the Fifties.

And at the end of the decade, we embraced Ronald Reagan.

Not all of us, heavens no. But enough to make it noticeable. Some of the smart kids were tired of the Democrats, tired of Jimmy, tired of Teddy, who wasn't yet the Lion of the Senate but the idiot brother who drowned a chick and supported what we called fascist legislation. No, he wouldn't do.

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness. (Even our protest lines were borrowed from the Fifties.) My co-editor of the student newspaper's annual satire supplement — who loved the Who, who as a copy editor suggested "All We Are Saying" as the perfect headline for a John Lennon candlelight vigil — would a few years later start a campus neocon tabloid.

I followed Carlin. He followed P.J. O'Rourke.

This fall, we're taking over the country. The torch has been passed to a new generation, and this time it's personal. It's the Barry & Sarah Show, hosted by Jon Stewart, fortysomethings all. Joe and John will have walk-on parts, but they're both irrelevant to the story. It's our world now, and you kids will just have to deal with it. You'll get your turn soon enough. If anything's left.

Oh, What the Heck

2008-09-04T04:12:00.001-04:00

Here's how you launder a story: A supermarket tabloid is not a respectable news source (until, um, it is), but if you can get a respectable news source to comment on it, you've put it in play. Bonus points if the respectable news source brings it to your attention first.

So we've got Geezer flack Steve Schmidt emailing reporters: "The allegations contained on the cover of the National Enquirer insinuating that Governor Palin had an extramarital affair are categorically false."

What allegations? What cover? What affair? Wait, what?

We of course refuse to stoop so low as to spread unfounded rumors. So here's the cover to put the flack's statement in context, and here's a link to respectable Howard Kurtz ~~dishing the details~~ explaining the background. We thank you for helping us preserve our journalistic virtue.

McCain Aide Rips Tabloid Report [WaPo]

Relax, It’s Not Rudolph

2008-09-03T10:00:00.001-04:00

Counterclockwise from left: Non-pregnant daughter, caribou, blood, Sarah Palin. Enjoy your breakfast!

A Hunting Trophy [LAT, via SanFranLefty]

Bigger Than Jesus

2008-09-02T21:49:00.001-04:00

See more shocking teen pregnancies! Is her high school sweetheart ready for fatherhood? Did David Duchovny pick the right moment to duck into a pestorking addiction clinic?

Sums up "Democratic strategist" George Lakoff, "It's conceivable a 17-year-old girl just screwed the GOP."

Sarah Palin: Political Opponent Recalls Being Ridiculed [Us Weekly]

A Moment of Silence for the Greatest Voice in Movies

2008-09-02T17:20:00.001-04:00

And to honor him, one of our favorite videos ever.

Don LaFontaine, voice of movie trailers, dies [AP]

John McCain Expresses Full Confidence in Sarah Palin

2008-09-02T10:00:00.000-04:00

This is why you don't want to plan too far ahead: We were all set to run with Mary Tyler Moore gags this week.

Disclosures on Palin Raise Questions on Vetting Process [NYT]

Levi Johnston Responds

2008-09-02T03:09:00.001-04:00

"Aug. 24: Oh Emm Gee - I’m going to be a dad. Holy shizzles, Bristol’s pregnant! I don’t think her mom knows yet."

What? You thought? No, no, no.

Levi Johnston is a web developer from Phoenix who's enjoying his inadvertent notoriety. If you have any website or database problems, you can email him at knocked.up@levijohnston.com. And near as we can tell, he's owned the domain since 2003.

Levi Johnston Blog

The Lord Works in Mysterious Ways

2008-09-01T14:46:00.000-04:00

Sarah Palin's 17-year-old unmarried daughter is pregnant.

"Gov. Palin is a strong proponent of teaching abstinence-only sex education to teenagers," reports ABC.

Palin says 17-year-old daughter is pregnant [AP]
Palin confirms daughter's pregnancy [Independent UK]
Gov. Palin Says Her Unmarried 17-Year-Old Daughter Is Pregnant [ABC]

Let Them Eat Crow

2008-09-01T10:00:00.000-04:00

Back before they weren't talking to each other, Shrub and Geezer shared a warm moment on the tarmac at Arizona's Luke Air Force Base. The occasion was Geezer's 69th birthday (how young he looked then!), and about an hour later Shrub was chatting up the crowd at the Pueblo El Mirage RV Resort and Country Club.

Twelve minutes before Shrub began his remarks, CNN posted the day's Gulf Coast forecast:

Flooding from Hurricane Katrina's Monday landfall could wreak catastrophe on New Orleans, overwhelming the city's water and sewage systems and leaving survivors in a bowl of toxic soup, a top hurricane expert said.

It was Monday of Katrina Week — August 29, 2005. We wouldn't learn of the flooding until Tuesday, but it was Sunday that we learned the definition of "contraflow" as we watched nonstop live coverage of the mandatory evacuation of a major American city.

"It just wouldn't be appropriate to have a festive occasion while a near tragedy or a terrible challenge is presented in the form of a natural disaster," McCain said as he sliced the cake.

Hold on, our producer's screaming something in our earpiece — oh, McCain said that this time, about possibly canceling the Republican convention. Please accept our correction and apology.

To be fair, McCain wasn't the Decider in 2005, and as a senator he has since "supported every investigation and ways of finding out what caused the tragedy."

Wait, damn producer again — okay, he voted against an independent Katrina commission. Twice.

Katrina Kerfuffle [FactCheck.org, 6/5/08]

We Actually Know How to Pronounce “Snohomish”

2008-08-31T14:12:00.001-04:00

It's funny because the United States doesn't print three-dollar bills!

Snohomish County GOP apologizes for fake Obama bills [Seattle P-I, via Harry Shearer]

The People’s Encyclopedia

2008-08-31T10:00:00.000-04:00

how parents chose children's names is not trivia (FuturePil()t, 05:05, 31 August 2008)

pregancy water broke 11-hour flight on AS flight + 16 year old daughter might got pregnant and covered up (FuturePil()t, 05:04, 31 August 2008)

Alan Colmes has reported Track was born less than 8 months after the Palins' elopement. (Maxbox51, 04:21, 31 August 2008)

there is no "consensus" just b/c you nakedly assert there is (PassionoftheDamon, 03:08, 31 August 2008)

Rm libellous Daily Kos conspiracy theory (Kelly, 01:49, 31 August 2008)

It IS relevant that she complained about pageant judges and then her husband was one. (Poggio, 01:06, 31 August 2008)

as commander of the Alaska national guard there is nothing wrong with visiting the troops (Hobartimus, 23:20, 30 August 2008)

Until there is actual news about people "omg her children are named after witches" I'm removing this. Srsly people. (Mboverload, 23:02, 30 August 2008)

cited article does not say her opposition is restricted to recreational use (KCinDC, 22:43, 30 August 2008)

rm Moose image - what's the point? (Happyme22, 18:10, 30 August 2008)

restore quote, since her accusing Clinton of whining is being talked about in the media (KCinDC, 17:30, 30 August 2008)

remove military photos that have a propoganda feel. Palin is not known for any foreign policy/military government experience. (Rootology, 16:21, 30 August 2008)

Protected Sarah Palin: High traffic article attracting a lot of ip vandalism over weekend (LessHeard vanU, 14:14, 30 August 2008)

Revision history of Sarah Palin [Wikipedia]

McCain Given 51 Percent Chance of Surviving Term

2008-08-31T04:33:00.000-04:00

"She's going to learn national security at the foot of the master for the next four years, and most doctors think that he'll be around at least that long," said Charlie Black, one of Mr. McCain's top advisers, making light of concerns about Mr. McCain's health, which Mr. McCain's doctors reported as excellent in May.

In other words: as many as 49 percent of doctors are predicting a state funeral for President John McCain, according to his campaign's chief strategist. Charlie Black, in case you've forgotten, earlier this summer sent a message to Osama Bin Laden to hurry up that next terrorist attack so the Geezer can grandstand the tragedy.

Top McCain Adviser: Palin Will Learn National Security From McCain Before He Keels Over [TPM]

Sarah Palin Hates Polar Bears

2008-08-30T10:00:00.000-04:00

So much to choose from… Troopergate… Creationism… That voice that takes the F out of GILF…

Hey, let's start with her vicious attacks on polar bears!

Earlier this month, the state of Alaska under Palin's guidance sued Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne in an attempt to reverse his decision to list polar bears as a threatened species. Palin said that scientists' predictions that global warming will eliminate the ice where the bears live in summer were unreliable.

We all know that six years in the Wasilla mayoral mansion gave Palin a unique authority on climatology, but she instead chose to base her opposition on "a comprehensive review by state wildlife officials of scientific information from a broad range of climate, ice and polar bear experts."

Just one problem: She lied.

Unless, of course, those "state wildlife officials" somehow didn't include three marine-mammals specialists in the Alaska Department of Fish and Game who agreed with nine studies the Feds cited in support of the endangered-species listing.

So as far as our naughty librarian is concerned, the polar bears are toast. Say, when's the next helicopter bear hunt?

Palin questioned whether global warming is melting Arctic ice [McClatchy]

The Poon is Out There

2008-08-30T01:00:00.000-04:00

Which reminds us of one of our all-time classic late-night college conversations: A good friend is complaining that he just can't help himself, while we're complaining that we just can't get any. What makes it classic? Honest to gosh, both of us would have traded places with the other.

Although to be frank, his problem would have made for better PSAs.

Sex files: David Duchovny in rehab [Independent UK]

John McCain Hates America

2008-08-29T14:40:00.001-04:00

Where's his flag pin?

McCain Chooses Palin as Running Mate [NYT]

A Meme is Born

2008-08-29T10:00:00.000-04:00

On a conference call with reporters just now, senior Obama foreign policy adviser Susan Rice argued that there is "a pattern here of recklessness" when it comes to McCain's approach to various national security issues. (TPM, August 20)

Rice says the Republican’s "tendency is to shoot first and to ask questions later," saying he "cheerled Bush’s decision to take our eye off the ball and start a war in Iraq that had nothing to do with 9/11." (Time, August 20)

[Richard] Clarke compared McCain to "extreme neo-conservative" policy types because of his early support for the Iraq war and suggested he was "reckless" and "trigger happy." (MSNBC, August 20)

Democratic Congressman Adam Smith of Washington, sitting in the audience, rose to ask [former Navy Secretary Richard] Danzig for advice on how Democrats can deliver a tough foreign-policy message that will be credible to voters. When Danzig started to back euphemistically into the question, Smith — a proponent of tougher Obama campaign tactics generally — jumped back up. "Don't be subtle!" he implored. "Just hit! Just say, 'John McCain does not have an even temper, and how is that going to factor into national security?"

At that, Danzig played ball.

"I think John McCain is well-known for 'losing it' in a variety of circumstances," he said — something which has potential policy implications. (TNR, August 26)

“He has a huge anger problem,” [Barbara] Boxer said. “And he never hid that… I have seen it happen on the Senate floor many, many times… He has exploded at me a couple times.” (Politico, August 26)

If John McCain wants to have a debate about who has the temperament, and judgment, to serve as the next commander in chief, that's a debate I'm ready to have. (Barack Obama, Thursday night)

Senator Hothead [Washington Monthly, August 27]

Meanwhile, in Sedona

2008-08-28T10:00:00.000-04:00

The Geezer has a Dayton playdate with his new Vice Geezer on Friday, although there's some buzz that he might try to steal some headlines by announcing today. If so, it could be Droopy, the Baby Killer, the Mormon, Governor Placenta, or even Kay Bailey Hutchison (nickname pending), but since we haven't been paying any attention, we'll wait for the "surprise".

Why the quotes? Well, the Post reports that McCain "dropped from public view after a fundraiser Tuesday night in San Diego." We won't tell you the identity of the confused elderly gentleman we found wandering on Washington Street that night, but as he watched the convention on our couch, we heard him mutter "Fuck. Now I'll have to go with that exorcist."

McCain Is Said to Be Set to Unveil Running Mate Tomorrow [WaPo]

Denial in Real Time

2008-08-27T10:00:00.000-04:00

Cannot bear to watch. What is happening? (andy85719, 10:43 pm)

What does this color pantsuit mean? (roxy4hill2, 10:43 pm)

Notice how she is shaking her head “no” as she speaks…. (pumetta, 10:48 pm)

IT’S SOO GOOD TO SEE HER AND HEAR HER SPEAK, BUT I REALLY WANT TO READ BETWEEN THE LINES (Rancho, 10:48 pm)

very nasty look on michelle’s face. i hope somebody gets it on utube (jody in florida, 10:49 pm)

I may never vote for a Democrat again. (mpdamon, 10:57 pm)

why doesn’t she stand up for herself?? (Sunshinelvr, 10:58 pm)

Her heart’s not in it; it sounds canned, or should I say “obotamized”? (Leosroar, 11:00 pm)

Hillry just sold out america (TrishfromCanada, 11:01 pm)

Bill Kristol is talking and he said it was a generic speech so she didn’t sell us out.. (slyt2, 11:12 pm)

she did not give up!!!!!! She did not release her delegates!!! (FLgayGuy4Hill, 11:15 pm)

Delegates Mad as Hell: Scramble for Floor Vote [Puma Pac]

Conference Calls Make Bad Photo Ops

2008-08-26T10:00:00.000-04:00

In an announcement that by sheer coincidence came the afternoon before Michelle Obama's speech, John McCain told a waiting world that Cindy is traveling to Georgia.

No, not that Georgia. The other one. The Christian one. The other Christian one.

Wait: The Georgia with the pipelines. And Russian tanks. That one.

Cindy, whose humanitarian efforts are legendary among McCain staffers, will meet with Mikheil Saakashvili (thanks, copy & paste!), visit wounded Georgian soldiers, talk to representatives of the land-mine removal organization she works with, and not be criticized by the Fox News hosts who would rake Michelle Obama over the coals if she did anything similar.

Her aides swear the timing has nothing to do with the Democratic convention. Even if she does plan to return Wednesday night — checking off every item on her list in a whirlwind 36 hours.

Cindy McCain's Mission to Georgia [Time]

McCain Chooses Hillary for Veep

2008-08-25T13:48:00.001-04:00

Lieberman? Smokescreen.

Update: The nice lady in the video is Debra Bartoshevich, a pro-choice Democrat who also appeared Monday at a Republican-sponsored press conference — apparently unaware that her new candidate is a diehard opponent of Roe v. Wade. You go, girl!

The Blind Leading the Blind [Washington Monthly]

John McCain’s Original Sin

2008-08-25T10:00:00.000-04:00

Did you know John McCain is a former POW? Strange but true! Seems the Geezer spent a few years cooling his heels in Hanoi while Democrats were figuring out new ways to disgrace America.

Or maybe you have heard — McCain's been using his POW experience as a political cudgel since his first race for Congress, in 1982. Some fatuous opponent accused him of being a carpetbagger, and the Geezer's response is legend:

"I wish I could have had the luxury, like you, of growing up and living and spending my entire life in a nice place like the first district of Arizona, but I was doing other things. As a matter of fact, when I think about it now, the place I lived longest in my life was Hanoi."

Good day, sir! And for any voters who missed that thrilling exchange, here's the ad that saturated local television:

That would be McCain limping off a plane after his release as a POW.

As for the carpetbagging, we know McCain married an Arizona beer heiress, so what's the problem? Turns out it's not Arizona as such — instead, a Congressional seat opened up, and the McCains quickly moved to that district.

In other words: One of those houses the Geezer tends to forget is the one that qualified him to run for Congress. Cindy bought it. And soon as he won his first Senate race in 1986 and no longer needed the district residence — she sold it.

Which brings us back to the quote. Opportunistically moving into a Congressional district may have raised uncomfortable questions during McCain's first candidacy. He learned in 1982 how to shut up such questions, and he's been pulling that move ever since.

POW status was key factor in McCain's first race [AP]

Long Lost McCain Video Exhumed [TNR]

Tempe homeowners own piece of McCain history [East Valley Tribune, Phoenix]

Lock Up Your Daughters

2008-08-24T22:54:00.001-04:00

"I'll continue to say I am blessed and very proud that [his late father-in-law] Jim Hensley, a war hero, a man who barely graduated from high school, was able to pass on to his daughter what he struggled for and saved for. That's the ambition that all of us have for our children and grandchildren. If someone wants to disparage that, they are free to do that."
– John McCain to Katie Couric
Kathleen Hensley Portalski says her father left her $10,000 in his will, and nothing to her children -- his grandchildren.

Oh, you mean Cindy. Never mind.

For McCains, a Public Path but Private Wealth [NYT]

Your Money's No God Here

2008-08-24T10:00:00.000-04:00

Unless you're a numismatics groupie, you probably missed the recent story about the new ~~Susan B. Anthony~~ ~~Sacagawea~~ Andrew Jackson dollar coin, minted in honor of his opposition to paper money, or maybe because engravers love his hair.

But keen-eyed Grand Rapids newspaper readers noticed something else engravers love: Satan. The new coins lack the comforting inscription ~~"Render Unto Caesar"~~ "In God We Trust".

Well, just not on the front or back. God is relegated to the edge, where He may as well be the fine print in a drug commercial.

"That's dirty pool putting it on the edge," complained Press reader Ann Holmes. "Who knew it was there? Did they tell us it was there?"

Apparently they didn't. Ms. Holmes learned of the godless coin from a forwarded email.

Peggy LaPenna doesn't care whether God is in the details. "Send the U.S. Mint a strong message," she wrote. "We insist that God stay on 'the front' of our money!"

Dollar coins not 'Godless' despite urban myth [Grand Rapids Press]

For Chrissake, Send the Goddamn Text

2008-08-23T10:00:00.000-04:00

Sources: Obama picks Joe Biden as VP candidate [CNN]
Obama to Name Sen. Joseph Biden As Vice Presidential Running Mate [WSJ]
Breaking: Obama selects Joe Biden as his VP running mate [LAT]
Obama Chooses Biden as Running Mate [NYT]
The ticket: Obama-Biden [Politico]

Join the Mile-High Club

2008-08-23T02:00:00.000-04:00

ABC breaks the shocking news that prostitutes are coming to Denver!

(One... two... three...)

That pause provided by The Committee to Allow You Sufficient Time to Shout "Which Ones?"

Sex Trade Spikes During Conventions [ABC]

Her? Really?

2008-08-22T10:00:00.000-04:00

It's Day Three of the Veep Tease Siege, and we know nothing more than we did when the Inner Circle hinted that the announcement would come any time between Wednesday morning and Saturday afternoon. The secret is being closely held by Barry, his iPhone, and Allah.

But the Unthinkable is now on the table, as everyone is considering the JFK-LBJ shotgun wedding of the new millennium. Sure, they hate each other, their supporters hate each other, and Harry Shearer's drooling over the prospect of running clintonsomething for another four years, but let's face it: two or three Justices are ready to kick, and the PUMA faith that a Demrat Senate would push back an unsatisfactory Geezer nomination ignores everything we've learned the past seven years.

Would it float? Who knows? If nothing else, it would put a new spin on the inevitable recriminations eleven weeks from now.

Obama says he's chosen his VP -- won't reveal who it is yet [USA Today]

Bayh Bayh Bayh!

2008-08-21T10:00:00.000-04:00

Look, we're not going to be caught sleeping when the media climaxes over Barry's veep choice. Well, actually we are, so once again we're running this morning's post in antici… PATION! that the Golden Text Message will warm the hearts of millions before we wake up around ten-ish in Sandy Eggo.

Today in the Not Her Spotlite is Evan Bayh, who other than being Birch's son (twig?), we know absolutely nothing about. Which still probably puts us ahead of most non-Indianans.

Actually, we do know that he scares the shit out of the neighbors when he drags his son's black lacrosse bag outside his car. But then we now also know his sons play lacrosse. What snooty elite Eastern academy offers that?

Bayh's Drive-By Gym Bag Drop-Off Incident [ABC]

Hey Everybody, It’s Joe Biden!

2008-08-20T10:00:00.000-04:00

Or maybe not. Maybe it's Son of Birch, maybe it's She Who Is Not Her. But we're now within the Veep Horizon, and some of us tend to sleep past noon Eastern, so if Barry texts his BFFs with his BVP this morning, we wanted to be on top of the story. We can always change the text later and applaud our mad prognostication skillz.

While we're waiting on the Barry Tease, why not vote on some Barry Tees? (Plouffle, call us: "I Rock Barack." The non-voting kids will love it!) We really like the design that makes us look like a hopeless tool. No, wait, that's all of them.

Obama and veep choice to campaign on Saturday [AP]

John McCain: “I Blame Society”

2008-08-19T14:21:00.001-04:00

David Brooks in the Times:

McCain and his advisers have been compelled to adjust to the hostile environment around them. They have been compelled, at least in their telling, to abandon the campaign they had hoped to run.

See, it's our fault. We won't let him run nice. His blood is on our hands.

Oh, and McCain is a former POW who shared a Christian tryst with a guard. Sorry, contractual requirement.

The Education of McCain [NYT]

Denials for Every Occasion

2008-08-19T10:00:00.000-04:00

“The insinuation from the Obama campaign that John McCain, a former prisoner of war, cheated is outrageous."
– McCain spokeswoman Nicolle Wallace, responding to allegations that he heard Saturday night's questions while driving to the event

"The insinuation that John McCain, a former prisoner of war, cheated on his accident-crippled wife to marry a younger rich heiress is outrageous."

"The insinuation that John McCain, a former prisoner of war, would vote to undermine the Geneva Conventions is outrageous."

"The insinuation that John McCain, a former prisoner of war, would bully regulators on behalf of major contributor Charles Keating is outrageous."

"The insinuation that John McCain, a former prisoner of war, is accepting campaign donations from the Bonanno crime family and once sent Joe Bananas birthday greetings is outrageous."

"The insinuation that John McCain, a former prisoner of war, would suddenly call himself a Baptist without being baptised is outrageous."

"The insinuation that John McCain, a former prisoner of war, once called Leonardo DiCaprio 'an androgynous wimp' is — wait, who disagrees?"

"The insinuation that John McCain, a former prisoner of war, would pander about his POW experience in a presidential campaign is outrageous."

Despite Assurances, McCain Wasn’t in a ‘Cone of Silence’ [NYT]

Puma PAC Founder Invents Time Machine

2008-08-18T10:00:00.000-04:00

Darragh Murphy is so angry at Barack Obama, she not only founded pro-Hillary Puma PAC in early June, she also donated $500 to John McCain.

In 2000.

Although the PTO is not yet aware of her temporal transportation breakthrough, evidence of its existence can be found at the FEC, where two bloggers independently discovered records of the five-Benjamin throwdown to McCain's primary campaign against George Bush.

Murphy is understandably incensed that somebody violated her stealth tech company's NDA:

"Thank you as well for reminding me that I DID EVERYTHING I COULD in 2000 to prevent GEORGE BUSH from becoming the Republican nominee, including donating money to McCain’s campaign and voting for him in the Republican primary here in Massachusetts because I was confident that my hero, AL GORE, would win the primary for the Democrats."

The self-described lifelong Democrat must also be concerned that a competitor has stolen one of her time-machine prototypes, since no record of any other political donations by her can be found. Not in 2000, not in 2004, not in 2008.

Some observers have proposed an alternate theory: Murphy is a longtime McCain supporter who conceived and executed a brilliant Black Ops maneuver to take advantage of dissension among Soccer Moms. But skeptics consider that too far-fetched to merit consideration.

Puma PAC’s founder Darragh Murphy (hearts) John McCain [Rumproast, June 25]

PUMAs are Swiftboats [Pandagon, June 28]

PUMA De-Fanged on Hardball [AOL Political Machine, Aug. 15]

Play the Home Game!

2008-08-17T17:29:00.001-04:00

It's not the most sophisticated presentation, and perhaps not the most sophisticated technique, but we're taking a liking to Electoral-vote.com — mainly because it collates state polls that we've had trouble finding, and provides a better daily snapshot of the race than meaningless national polls.

Currently Obama "wins" the Electoral Collage with 275 votes (270 needed), but the master count takes the polls as is, without the margin of error. More helpful is the map itself: anything white is a statistical tossup, and even the lighter reds and blues are so close they might as well be in play.

Only the strong reds and blues are locked down (for now), and those show Obama leading 165-131.

Today, anyway. Back on August 1, it was 197-97.

It's not easy to jump to any day at will, but the site also offers a nice tracking graph, annotated with signifcant events — including, for comparison, 2004. "Reagan dies", "Fahrenheit 9/11 opens" and "Swift boat ad" pretty much sum up that summer...

Electoral-vote.com

Turn Me On, Dead Man

2008-08-17T10:00:00.000-04:00

This week in news guaranteed to blow. your. mind. comes word that God is a hermaphrodite.

That's right. Not just Alpha and Omega, but AC/DC. Innie and outie. Pistil and stamen. Man and, um, man in the boat.

How do we know? After six thousand years, somebody finally thought to read it backwards.

The journal of Reform rabbis published an article this week proclaiming that if the four-letter Hebrew name of God were spelled backward and pronounced it would sound like the Hebrew words for "he" and "she."

Actually, HWHY sounds like our aunt sneezing, but bear with us.

The reasoning is that since Hashem -- Moses' name spelled backwards -- is Hebrew for "The Name", perhaps God backmasked Himself as well. ("Hashem" is how you refer to He Who Must Not Be Named, roughly equivalent to "gosh" for Christianists.)

And that would suggest that the ancient Israelites saw God as a self-satisfying deity.

We find the whole notion far-fetched, although it was probably handy to fend off nosy neighbors who asked why there wasn't a Mrs. God.

Is God a hermaphrodite? [Chicago Tribune]

The Porpoise-Driven Liveblog

2008-08-16T19:40:00.001-04:00

What's that, Flipper? You say the presidential candidates are debating at a church? Only it's not really a debate, more like dueling interviews, and not really a church, more like a Mall of Christ?

Or are you bitching about the headline? Dolphins, porpoises, nobody gives a flying backflip about your evolutionary turf wars, and you all taste the same to my friend Shamu across the I-8.

So quit yer yap-yap-yap yap-yap-yap yap-yap-yap-yap-yappin’. We have some serious typing to do in about twenty minutes. Here, go fetch this can of tuna.

7:43: It's actually 4:43 in Sandy Eggo, but we'll try to transpose the hours, at least through the first couple of beers.

7:48: CNN's chattering about some JeezusFest in D.C. -- anti-abortion, anti-gay-marriage, yadda yadda. Note to self: Find the place in the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus says "Blessed Are the Cretins".

7:54: CNN talking head: "A lot of people do get their information from the Internet, and they're cynical." Drink!

8:00: LET'S GET READY TO RUMMMMMMMBLE!!!

8:02: Pastor Rick bringz da rimshotz.

8:08: Barry drops Matthew on "America's greatest moral failure", successfully evades three days of headlines.

8:15: Commercial break? "Resting on the seventh day: Priceless."

8:27: Barry does a soft-shoe around abortion, comes up with "civil unions" for gay marriage, yadda yadda about stem cells. Whatever happened to Liberation Theology?

8:32: Given the opportunity to knock off a Justice, Barry picks off Thomas first, then Scalia. Thomas may be "incompetent", but isn't that better than if he knew what he was doing?

8:41: So here's the news: Pastor Rick is asking better questions than most network anchors. He actually drove through the hot buttons rather quickly, almost apologetically, and the lack of high-five gotchas is a nice change. We can almost forgive him for the goatee.

8:57: Barry's done, no howlers. What a disappointment. Bring it on, Geezer, we need to drink.

9:02: And Geezer opens with a shout-out to Petraeus. Game ON!

9:04: Greatest moral failure? "The failure of my first marriage." No details, but give him credit.

9:07: Shout-out to Reagan! Shout-out to Thatcher! Please, don't everyone yell Bingo at once.

9:08: Offshore drilling! DJ Geez is picking ’em up and laying ’em down!

9:09: Nukes! Oh sweet Jesus, the crowd is about to spontaneously rapture! GEE-zer! GEE-zer!

9:11: POW! Dude, even Cher saves something for the encore.

9:16: Is it the POW Christmas story? Is it? Cross in the sand? Come on, come on...

9:17: YESSSS! Pandermonium breaks out!

9:19: Hey, PUMA! "I've got a 25-year pro-life record."

9:22: Bin Laden, Gates of Hell, etc.

9:23: Iraq! Iraq! Iraq!

9:24: Is it just us, or did Geezer just put his stump speech on shuffle?

9:29: And we thought Reagan governed by index card. Geezer plans to govern by bumper sticker.

9:33: Typical example of wasteful spending: $3 million on bear DNA. Um, what about the trillion in Iraq?

9:37: McCain feels strongly about your Constitutional rights. But it seems he can't count to Four.

9:39: In case it's not yet apparent: Barry tried to engage the questions (within political limits, of course), while Geezer just twists them into a talking point. Why do we suspect McCain will get the credit for a "strong performance"?

9:41: Second or third Reagan reference, plus at least two Petraeuses. Full house!

9:44: Hey, fundies: "Georgia was one of the earliest Christian nations." Well, that cuts through the complexities.

9:47: Another Reagan. That's four Ronnies. Call.

9:51: "I put my country first during the S&L crisis." Hold on, we think we got the audio wrong.

9:53: And... scene! Now on to CNN, so they can tell us how they watched a different event entirely.

Scripturetacular!

2008-08-16T10:00:00.000-04:00

(From left: Barack Obama, Rick Warren, Rick Warren, and Sam Brownback.)

The Saddleback Roundup starts at 7 8 p.m. Eastern, CNN, MSNBC and Fox will be broadcasting it, and we're desperately seeking excuses not to liveblog it.

Unless Bob Barr storms the sanctuary, of course. Nothing spices up an event like a purpose-driven Libertarian.

Update: Make that 8 p.m. Eastern. We'll be lining up our livebrews around 7:45.

Barr goes to court to demand entry into Saddleback Church [Atlanta Journal-Constitution]

Do They Sync with The Wizard of Oz?

2008-08-16T01:00:00.000-04:00

We've been trying to rewrite this lead all afternoon, but how do you compete with greatness?

A man has been banned by a court from having sex with his partner at her home after keeping neighbours awake with loud shouting and banging in the night.

Really, you might as well try to outswim Phelps, or outkaraoke some cute Chinese kid.

As to the details: neighbors complained, Rutting Gold Medalist Adam Hinton was hit with a £200 fine for "breaching a noise abatement order" — crank at 11, we hope — Hinton threatened the neighbors, and the Brighton, England, council stepped in with an injunction against him to mind his distance.

How loud was it? While we can't find reports of car alarms being set off, some neighbors had to be moved to quieter flats. How can you sleep with all that fucking racket going on?

Man banned from sex at love nest [BBC. That's right. BB-fucking-C.]

Do You Speak Jive?

2008-08-15T10:00:00.000-04:00

Reading through the Obama campaign's 40-page response to Swift Boat II: Barackolypse Now, we're rather disappointed with the quality of the calumny. There's nothing your idiot relatives haven't already warned you about in forwarded emails — the madrassa, the drugs, assorted radicals and militants, Rezko — plus an odd diversion into Kenyan politics which would bore us even if true.

However: Did you know that Barack Obama shamelessly plagiarizes the sixteenth and eighteenth centuries?

In a section on borrowed lines from movies, Corsi wrote, “Obama has repeatedly used the words bamboozled and hoodwinked in framing his argument that the truth has been hidden from voters.”

What makes this noteworthy is the full page devoted to addressing this slur, with seven examples of contemporary usage, including Jesse Jackson Jr. ("We’ve been hoodwinked, bamboozled, run amok and led astray by Al Jolson politics before." — Pop taught you well, kiddo) and Ray Nagin. Which we're sure will come in very handy the next time you're challenged to defend Barry's use of haolebonics.

The book debuts at the top of the Times "nonfiction" list this week, and while purchasers may be hoping to be goshbustified by a sockdolager, we suspect instead they'll be hornswoggled by a scalawag absquatulating with their hard-earned skrilla.

Obama campaign issues rebuttal to book's claims [AP]

Unfit for Publication [Obama campaign]

She’s B-a-a-a-a-a-c-k!

2008-08-14T16:16:00.000-04:00

Hillary Clinton will be placed in nomination at convention [LAT]

Truth and Reconciliation

2008-08-14T10:00:00.000-04:00

You give us the first, we'll think about the second.

Colin Powell: Will he or won't he publicly back Barack Obama? [LAT]

We Just Like Saying “Shuttlecock”

2008-08-13T10:00:00.000-04:00

Everything you need to know about Olympic badminton. (Sorry, couldn't find anything to match the swimmers.)

Bach's big booster: His dad will watch S.F. badminton star go for glory [SFGate]

Nathan Robertson and Gail Emms defy the odds [Times UK]

Yo Quiero Taco Bell

2008-08-12T14:48:00.001-04:00

We're starting to think the Harley fumes got to Geezer.

Frantic Search Begins for Remaining Laws to Subvert

2008-08-12T10:00:00.000-04:00

Facing a Constitutionally imposed deadline of January 20 to declare martial law or get out of Dodge, the Bush Administration has launched a government-wide mandate to undermine any laws it has not yet ignored.

"This one's tough," said a harried DoJ lawyer, speaking on background. "There's not much left."

Insiders were shocked that the Endangered Species Act had lasted this long, and blamed Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne for not dispatching it sooner. Kempthorne finally got around to knocking off bald eagles and polar bears Monday night, allowing federal agencies to skip scientific review and decide for themselves whether running an Interstate through Yosemite was likely to cause problems for non-voting rodents.

"Look, we're busy figuring out how to stripmine Yellowstone," said Kempthorne. "Cut us some slack."

The new Suck or Die Initiative aims to secure George W. Bush's place in history as not merely the worst but the most destructive U.S. president, amid concerns that a McCain Administration may challenge his standing. The initiative follows recent revelations that Bush included a signing statement with his oath of office.

Bush to relax protected species rules [AP]

Check Your Pressure

2008-08-11T10:00:00.000-04:00

December 12, 2000	$1.42	White smoke indicates Supreme Court has chosen new president.
April 30, 2001	$1.62	Cheney: "Conservation may be a sign of personal virtue, but it is not a sufficient basis for a sound, comprehensive energy policy."
August 6, 2001	$1.37	"Bin Laden Determined to Strike in U.S."
September 11, 2001	$1.52	Bin Laden strikes in U.S.
September 11, 2001, 2:40 p.m.	$1.52	Rumsfeld: "Best info fast. Judge whether good enough hit S.H. at same time."
October 7, 2002	$1.43	Bush: "Facing clear evidence of peril, we cannot wait for the final proof — the smoking gun — that could come in the form of a mushroom cloud."
March 27, 2003	$1.64	Wolfowitz: "We are dealing with a country that can really finance its own reconstruction, and relatively soon."
April 11, 2003	$1.59	Rumsfeld: "Stuff happens."
May 17, 2004	$2.01	Colin Powell, responding to Seymour Hersh's report that Abu Ghraib was not an accident: "Watch America — watch how we deal with this."
April 20, 2005	$2.23	Bush: "I wish I could simply wave a magic wand and lower gas prices tomorrow. I'd do that. Unfortunately higher gas prices are a problem that had been years in the making."
August 15, 2005	$2.55	The corner Mobil posts a sign explaining that adjusted for inflation, 1981 gas cost $3 per gallon...
September 5, 2005	$3.06	...but the sign soon disappears.
December 11, 2006	$2.29	"Access to the Pacific, Atlantic, and eastern Gulf regions would not have a significant impact on domestic crude oil and natural gas production or prices before 2030." (2007 annual report, Energy Information Administration)
September 20, 2007	$2.78	The U.S. dollar drops to parity with the Canadian loonie for the first time since 1976. The Canadian dollar was worth 62 cents in January 2002.
February 28, 2008	$3.13	Bush: "You’re predicting $4 a gallon gasoline? That’s interesting. I hadn’t heard that."
May 20, 2008	$3.79	Newt Gingrich announces "Drill Here, Drill Now, Pay Less"
July 21, 2008	$4.06	McCain attack ad: "Who can you thank for rising prices at the pump?"
July 31, 2008	$3.95	AP: "Exxon Mobil reported the fattest operating profit in U.S. corporate history."

U.S. Retail Gasoline Prices [DoE]

OMG! OMG!

2008-08-10T21:26:00.001-04:00

Barry's about to choose — his mate!

You have helped build this movement from the bottom up, and Barack wants you to be the first to know his choice.

Sign up today to be the first to know:

http://my.barackobama.com/vp

You will receive an email the moment Barack makes his decision, or you can text VP to 62262 to receive a text message on your mobile phone.

Oh pleasepleaseplease let it be — well, let it not be. Anyone else is fine.

Isaac Hayes, 1942-2008

2008-08-10T16:51:00.000-04:00

Singer, songwriter Isaac Hayes dies at age 65 [AP]

God is My Co-Pilot, and He's Packing Heat

2008-08-10T10:00:00.000-04:00

Preacher Thomas Howell was driving to his Cincinnati church one morning last June when the Devil, assuming the form of restaurant cook April Evans, cut him off at the intersection of Burnet and Forest.

So, inspired by a vengeful God, he did what any man of the cloth would do: Pulled up alongside her, whipped out his pistol, "and asked if she knew who she was messing with before threatening to shoot."

Apparently she didn't, as the two cars proceeded to reenact the more exciting parts of The French Connection through the neighborhoods of Clifton, Avondale and Walnut Hills.

"Every time I get in back of him, he would pull the gun out on me and point it towards me and whatever," Evans testified last week. "He said, 'You don't know who I am,' called me another [name] and said… 'I'll shoot you.' "

Howell was convicted of aggravated menacing. A spokesangel for the Lord said He was too busy deciding which Olympic athletes to bless, and unavailable for comment.

Preacher guilty of road-rage [Cincinnati Enquirer]

Dear Canada: We Owe You One

2008-08-09T15:56:00.001-04:00

We the citizens of the United States of America would like to formally apologize for being unable to keep our nutcases shackled in the basement. We understand that while you might find the Westboro Hate Clown Troupe amusing from a distance, allowing them to penetrate your borders in order to protest the funeral of a bus beheading victim because your country doesn't burn homosexualists at the stake is tantamount to an act of war. Please don't embargo the BC bud in retaliation.

P.S. You're off the hook for Bryan Adams.

Police issue warning, caution against funeral disturbances [Winnepeg Sun]

Pointed Allusion to Contemporary Politics Captivates Iowa Fairgoers

2008-08-09T10:00:00.001-04:00

At the Iowa State Fair, John McCain participates in a tableaux honoring his cogenerationist Thomas Nast. In a related story, Dick Cheney will speak the first night of the Republican convention.

McCain at the Iowa State Fair [NYT]

CSI: Cop Splooge Investigation

2008-08-09T01:00:00.000-04:00

The Houston Police Department has been caught with its pants down after $50,000 worth of sex toys turned up missing from its property warehouse.

The 564 "devices" — sorry, details not available — were seized in a 2005 vice raid on the Adult Video Megaplexxx, and locked away as evidence. But after the 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals overturned the relevant law and the owners asked for their inventory back, they were told the toys had been destroyed.

One problem with that: There's no required court order on file authorizing the destruction.

But while we entertain the obvious explanations, pity the poor acting director of the UT law school's Criminal Defense Clinic, who got called to comment on the story. "If I go over to your house and spend the night there and leave my shoes," he asked, "can I expect my shoes to be there three years later?"

Missing sex toys raise concerns at HPD property room [Houston Chronicle]

Doing the Math

2008-08-08T16:53:00.001-04:00

Connecticut Post

Yes Sir, That's Not My Baby

2008-08-08T15:45:00.000-04:00

Sure, Johnny boffed the chick, but he swears her child is not the daughter of the son of a millworker. He stopped fucking the mother months before the birth.

But we just want to revive one of the great SNL bits, Ackroyd as Jimmy discussing the timeless Democratic tradition, "sexual performance in the White House":

So far in my campaign, I have only fantisized. But now I actually look forward to some of the girls I've lusted after. Saucy vixens like Lainie Kazan, Shari Lewis, Phyllis Newman — actually, I'm not sure God ever forgave me for Phyllis Newman. But I want you to look at our Democratic figures — FDR, LBJ, JFK, Harry Truman — now, here were lusty, zesty men, seething with vital hormonal secretions. These were men of action. Doers. Democrats! As your president, I look forward to deeply satisfying each and every last one of you! God forgive us all! Thank you!

Barry, we're looking at you. Phylicia Rashad ain't getting any younger.

Edwards Admits Sexual Affair; Lied as Presidential Candidate [ABC]

Swing Low, Sweet Patriots

2008-08-08T10:00:00.001-04:00

You'll pardon our sheltered upbringing, but we didn't know there was a "Black National Anthem," and apparently it's not Les McCann singing "Compared to What."

It's official name is "Lift Every Voice and Sing," originally a poem by James Weldon Johnson, and first sung in 1900 on Lincoln's Birthday by a choir of 500 children at the segregated Jacksonville, Florida, school where Johnson was principal.

Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us,
Sing a song full of the hope that the present has brought us.

Sounds really nice when Aretha does it, but then so does everything.

Johnson's brother Rosamond wrote the music, and the song was an instant inspirational hit. By 1919, the NAACP had adopted it as its official anthem, and it was revived during the civil-rights movement. In 1990, it was entered into the Congressional Record as "The African American National Hymn."

Oh, and if you sing it instead of the Star-Spangled Banner before a Denver mayoral speech, you'll get hate mail and death threats.

Rene Marie talks about death threats since 'anthem switch' [News2 Denver]

We Don’t Take Kindly to Your Superlatives

2008-08-07T10:00:00.000-04:00

"If Obama can show himself to be a person of faith, it also helps him combat the idea that he's an elitist, that he's not a mainstream American."
– Steve Waldman, founder and
editor-in-chief of Beliefnet

"The reactor is about to blow! Send me the most typical people you've got!"

The Tamest Generation

The Few. The Proud. The Shunned.

"I'm knave of the world!"

Profiles in Average

My Child Keeps His Head Down at Middleton Middle School

Lives of the Ain'ts

"Some are born mediocre, some achieve mediocrity, and some have mediocrity thrust upon them."

Guinness Book of World Medians

"Just because he can walk on water doesn't make him special."