We Actually Know How to Pronounce “Snohomish”

It's funny because the United States doesn't print three-dollar bills!

Snohomish County GOP apologizes for fake Obama bills [Seattle P-I, via Harry Shearer]

The People’s Encyclopedia

• how parents chose children's names is not trivia (FuturePil()t, 05:05, 31 August 2008)


• pregancy water broke 11-hour flight on AS flight + 16 year old daughter might got pregnant and covered up (FuturePil()t, 05:04, 31 August 2008)


• Alan Colmes has reported Track was born less than 8 months after the Palins' elopement. (Maxbox51, 04:21, 31 August 2008)


• there is no "consensus" just b/c you nakedly assert there is (PassionoftheDamon, 03:08, 31 August 2008)


• Rm libellous Daily Kos conspiracy theory (Kelly, 01:49, 31 August 2008)


• It IS relevant that she complained about pageant judges and then her husband was one. (Poggio, 01:06, 31 August 2008)


• as commander of the Alaska national guard there is nothing wrong with visiting the troops (Hobartimus, 23:20, 30 August 2008)


• Until there is actual news about people "omg her children are named after witches" I'm removing this. Srsly people. (Mboverload, 23:02, 30 August 2008)


• cited article does not say her opposition is restricted to recreational use (KCinDC, 22:43, 30 August 2008)


• rm Moose image - what's the point? (Happyme22, 18:10, 30 August 2008)


• restore quote, since her accusing Clinton of whining is being talked about in the media (KCinDC, 17:30, 30 August 2008)


• remove military photos that have a propoganda feel. Palin is not known for any foreign policy/military government experience. (Rootology, 16:21, 30 August 2008)


• Protected Sarah Palin: High traffic article attracting a lot of ip vandalism over weekend (LessHeard vanU, 14:14, 30 August 2008)

Revision history of Sarah Palin [Wikipedia]

McCain Given 51 Percent Chance of Surviving Term

"She's going to learn national security at the foot of the master for the next four years, and most doctors think that he'll be around at least that long," said Charlie Black, one of Mr. McCain's top advisers, making light of concerns about Mr. McCain's health, which Mr. McCain's doctors reported as excellent in May.

In other words: as many as 49 percent of doctors are predicting a state funeral for President John McCain, according to his campaign's chief strategist. Charlie Black, in case you've forgotten, earlier this summer sent a message to Osama Bin Laden to hurry up that next terrorist attack so the Geezer can grandstand the tragedy.

Top McCain Adviser: Palin Will Learn National Security From McCain Before He Keels Over [TPM]

Sarah Palin Hates Polar Bears

So much to choose from… Troopergate… Creationism… That voice that takes the F out of GILF…

Hey, let's start with her vicious attacks on polar bears!

Earlier this month, the state of Alaska under Palin's guidance sued Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne in an attempt to reverse his decision to list polar bears as a threatened species. Palin said that scientists' predictions that global warming will eliminate the ice where the bears live in summer were unreliable.

We all know that six years in the Wasilla mayoral mansion gave Palin a unique authority on climatology, but she instead chose to base her opposition on "a comprehensive review by state wildlife officials of scientific information from a broad range of climate, ice and polar bear experts."

Just one problem: She lied.

Unless, of course, those "state wildlife officials" somehow didn't include three marine-mammals specialists in the Alaska Department of Fish and Game who agreed with nine studies the Feds cited in support of the endangered-species listing.

So as far as our naughty librarian is concerned, the polar bears are toast. Say, when's the next helicopter bear hunt?

Palin questioned whether global warming is melting Arctic ice [McClatchy]

The Poon is Out There

Which reminds us of one of our all-time classic late-night college conversations: A good friend is complaining that he just can't help himself, while we're complaining that we just can't get any. What makes it classic? Honest to gosh, both of us would have traded places with the other.

Although to be frank, his problem would have made for better PSAs.

Sex files: David Duchovny in rehab [Independent UK]

John McCain Hates America

Where's his flag pin?

McCain Chooses Palin as Running Mate [NYT]

A Meme is Born

• On a conference call with reporters just now, senior Obama foreign policy adviser Susan Rice argued that there is "a pattern here of recklessness" when it comes to McCain's approach to various national security issues. (TPM, August 20)


• Rice says the Republican’s "tendency is to shoot first and to ask questions later," saying he "cheerled Bush’s decision to take our eye off the ball and start a war in Iraq that had nothing to do with 9/11." (Time, August 20)


• [Richard] Clarke compared McCain to "extreme neo-conservative" policy types because of his early support for the Iraq war and suggested he was "reckless" and "trigger happy." (MSNBC, August 20)


• Democratic Congressman Adam Smith of Washington, sitting in the audience, rose to ask [former Navy Secretary Richard] Danzig for advice on how Democrats can deliver a tough foreign-policy message that will be credible to voters. When Danzig started to back euphemistically into the question, Smith — a proponent of tougher Obama campaign tactics generally — jumped back up. "Don't be subtle!" he implored. "Just hit! Just say, 'John McCain does not have an even temper, and how is that going to factor into national security?"
  
  At that, Danzig played ball.
  
  "I think John McCain is well-known for 'losing it' in a variety of circumstances," he said — something which has potential policy implications. (TNR, August 26)


• “He has a huge anger problem,” [Barbara] Boxer said. “And he never hid that… I have seen it happen on the Senate floor many, many times… He has exploded at me a couple times.” (Politico, August 26)


• If John McCain wants to have a debate about who has the temperament, and judgment, to serve as the next commander in chief, that's a debate I'm ready to have. (Barack Obama, Thursday night)

Senator Hothead [Washington Monthly, August 27]

Meanwhile, in Sedona

The Geezer has a Dayton playdate with his new Vice Geezer on Friday, although there's some buzz that he might try to steal some headlines by announcing today. If so, it could be Droopy, the Baby Killer, the Mormon, Governor Placenta, or even Kay Bailey Hutchison (nickname pending), but since we haven't been paying any attention, we'll wait for the "surprise".

Why the quotes? Well, the Post reports that McCain "dropped from public view after a fundraiser Tuesday night in San Diego." We won't tell you the identity of the confused elderly gentleman we found wandering on Washington Street that night, but as he watched the convention on our couch, we heard him mutter "Fuck. Now I'll have to go with that exorcist."

McCain Is Said to Be Set to Unveil Running Mate Tomorrow [WaPo]

Denial in Real Time

Cannot bear to watch. What is happening? (andy85719, 10:43 pm)

What does this color pantsuit mean? (roxy4hill2, 10:43 pm)

Notice how she is shaking her head “no” as she speaks…. (pumetta, 10:48 pm)

IT’S SOO GOOD TO SEE HER AND HEAR HER SPEAK, BUT I REALLY WANT TO READ BETWEEN THE LINES (Rancho, 10:48 pm)

very nasty look on michelle’s face. i hope somebody gets it on utube (jody in florida, 10:49 pm)

I may never vote for a Democrat again. (mpdamon, 10:57 pm)

why doesn’t she stand up for herself?? (Sunshinelvr, 10:58 pm)

Her heart’s not in it; it sounds canned, or should I say “obotamized”? (Leosroar, 11:00 pm)

Hillry just sold out america (TrishfromCanada, 11:01 pm)

Bill Kristol is talking and he said it was a generic speech so she didn’t sell us out.. (slyt2, 11:12 pm)

she did not give up!!!!!! She did not release her delegates!!! (FLgayGuy4Hill, 11:15 pm)

Delegates Mad as Hell: Scramble for Floor Vote [Puma Pac]

Conference Calls Make Bad Photo Ops

In an announcement that by sheer coincidence came the afternoon before Michelle Obama's speech, John McCain told a waiting world that Cindy is traveling to Georgia.

No, not that Georgia. The other one. The Christian one. The other Christian one.

Wait: The Georgia with the pipelines. And Russian tanks. That one.

Cindy, whose humanitarian efforts are legendary among McCain staffers, will meet with Mikheil Saakashvili (thanks, copy & paste!), visit wounded Georgian soldiers, talk to representatives of the land-mine removal organization she works with, and not be criticized by the Fox News hosts who would rake Michelle Obama over the coals if she did anything similar.

Her aides swear the timing has nothing to do with the Democratic convention. Even if she does plan to return Wednesday night — checking off every item on her list in a whirlwind 36 hours.

Cindy McCain's Mission to Georgia [Time]

McCain Chooses Hillary for Veep

Lieberman? Smokescreen.

Update: The nice lady in the video is Debra Bartoshevich, a pro-choice Democrat who also appeared Monday at a Republican-sponsored press conference — apparently unaware that her new candidate is a diehard opponent of Roe v. Wade. You go, girl!

The Blind Leading the Blind [Washington Monthly]

John McCain’s Original Sin

Did you know John McCain is a former POW? Strange but true! Seems the Geezer spent a few years cooling his heels in Hanoi while Democrats were figuring out new ways to disgrace America.

Or maybe you have heard — McCain's been using his POW experience as a political cudgel since his first race for Congress, in 1982. Some fatuous opponent accused him of being a carpetbagger, and the Geezer's response is legend:

"I wish I could have had the luxury, like you, of growing up and living and spending my entire life in a nice place like the first district of Arizona, but I was doing other things. As a matter of fact, when I think about it now, the place I lived longest in my life was Hanoi."

Good day, sir! And for any voters who missed that thrilling exchange, here's the ad that saturated local television:



That would be McCain limping off a plane after his release as a POW.

As for the carpetbagging, we know McCain married an Arizona beer heiress, so what's the problem? Turns out it's not Arizona as such — instead, a Congressional seat opened up, and the McCains quickly moved to that district.

In other words: One of those houses the Geezer tends to forget is the one that qualified him to run for Congress. Cindy bought it. And soon as he won his first Senate race in 1986 and no longer needed the district residence — she sold it.

Which brings us back to the quote. Opportunistically moving into a Congressional district may have raised uncomfortable questions during McCain's first candidacy. He learned in 1982 how to shut up such questions, and he's been pulling that move ever since.

POW status was key factor in McCain's first race [AP]

Long Lost McCain Video Exhumed [TNR]

Tempe homeowners own piece of McCain history [East Valley Tribune, Phoenix]

Lock Up Your Daughters

"I'll continue to say I am blessed and very proud that [his late father-in-law] Jim Hensley, a war hero, a man who barely graduated from high school, was able to pass on to his daughter what he struggled for and saved for. That's the ambition that all of us have for our children and grandchildren. If someone wants to disparage that, they are free to do that."
– John McCain to Katie Couric
Kathleen Hensley Portalski says her father left her $10,000 in his will, and nothing to her children -- his grandchildren.

Oh, you mean Cindy. Never mind.

For McCains, a Public Path but Private Wealth [NYT]

Your Money's No God Here

Unless you're a numismatics groupie, you probably missed the recent story about the new Susan B. Anthony Sacagawea Andrew Jackson dollar coin, minted in honor of his opposition to paper money, or maybe because engravers love his hair.

But keen-eyed Grand Rapids newspaper readers noticed something else engravers love: Satan. The new coins lack the comforting inscription "Render Unto Caesar" "In God We Trust".

Well, just not on the front or back. God is relegated to the edge, where He may as well be the fine print in a drug commercial.

"That's dirty pool putting it on the edge," complained Press reader Ann Holmes. "Who knew it was there? Did they tell us it was there?"

Apparently they didn't. Ms. Holmes learned of the godless coin from a forwarded email.

Peggy LaPenna doesn't care whether God is in the details. "Send the U.S. Mint a strong message," she wrote. "We insist that God stay on 'the front' of our money!"

Dollar coins not 'Godless' despite urban myth [Grand Rapids Press]

For Chrissake, Send the Goddamn Text

Sources: Obama picks Joe Biden as VP candidate [CNN]
Obama to Name Sen. Joseph Biden As Vice Presidential Running Mate [WSJ]
Breaking: Obama selects Joe Biden as his VP running mate [LAT]
Obama Chooses Biden as Running Mate [NYT]
The ticket: Obama-Biden [Politico]

Join the Mile-High Club

ABC breaks the shocking news that prostitutes are coming to Denver!

(One... two... three...)

That pause provided by The Committee to Allow You Sufficient Time to Shout "Which Ones?"

Sex Trade Spikes During Conventions [ABC]

Her? Really?

It's Day Three of the Veep Tease Siege, and we know nothing more than we did when the Inner Circle hinted that the announcement would come any time between Wednesday morning and Saturday afternoon. The secret is being closely held by Barry, his iPhone, and Allah.

But the Unthinkable is now on the table, as everyone is considering the JFK-LBJ shotgun wedding of the new millennium. Sure, they hate each other, their supporters hate each other, and Harry Shearer's drooling over the prospect of running clintonsomething for another four years, but let's face it: two or three Justices are ready to kick, and the PUMA faith that a Demrat Senate would push back an unsatisfactory Geezer nomination ignores everything we've learned the past seven years.

Would it float? Who knows? If nothing else, it would put a new spin on the inevitable recriminations eleven weeks from now.

Obama says he's chosen his VP -- won't reveal who it is yet [USA Today]

Bayh Bayh Bayh!

Look, we're not going to be caught sleeping when the media climaxes over Barry's veep choice. Well, actually we are, so once again we're running this morning's post in antici… PATION! that the Golden Text Message will warm the hearts of millions before we wake up around ten-ish in Sandy Eggo.

Today in the Not Her Spotlite is Evan Bayh, who other than being Birch's son (twig?), we know absolutely nothing about. Which still probably puts us ahead of most non-Indianans.

Actually, we do know that he scares the shit out of the neighbors when he drags his son's black lacrosse bag outside his car. But then we now also know his sons play lacrosse. What snooty elite Eastern academy offers that?

Bayh's Drive-By Gym Bag Drop-Off Incident [ABC]

Hey Everybody, It’s Joe Biden!

Or maybe not. Maybe it's Son of Birch, maybe it's She Who Is Not Her. But we're now within the Veep Horizon, and some of us tend to sleep past noon Eastern, so if Barry texts his BFFs with his BVP this morning, we wanted to be on top of the story. We can always change the text later and applaud our mad prognostication skillz.

While we're waiting on the Barry Tease, why not vote on some Barry Tees? (Plouffle, call us: "I Rock Barack." The non-voting kids will love it!) We really like the design that makes us look like a hopeless tool. No, wait, that's all of them.

Obama and veep choice to campaign on Saturday [AP]

John McCain: “I Blame Society”

David Brooks in the Times:

McCain and his advisers have been compelled to adjust to the hostile environment around them. They have been compelled, at least in their telling, to abandon the campaign they had hoped to run.

See, it's our fault. We won't let him run nice. His blood is on our hands.

Oh, and McCain is a former POW who shared a Christian tryst with a guard. Sorry, contractual requirement.

The Education of McCain [NYT]

Denials for Every Occasion

“The insinuation from the Obama campaign that John McCain, a former prisoner of war, cheated is outrageous."
– McCain spokeswoman Nicolle Wallace, responding to allegations that he heard Saturday night's questions while driving to the event

• "The insinuation that John McCain, a former prisoner of war, cheated on his accident-crippled wife to marry a younger rich heiress is outrageous."


• "The insinuation that John McCain, a former prisoner of war, would vote to undermine the Geneva Conventions is outrageous."


• "The insinuation that John McCain, a former prisoner of war, would bully regulators on behalf of major contributor Charles Keating is outrageous."


• "The insinuation that John McCain, a former prisoner of war, is accepting campaign donations from the Bonanno crime family and once sent Joe Bananas birthday greetings is outrageous."


• "The insinuation that John McCain, a former prisoner of war, would suddenly call himself a Baptist without being baptised is outrageous."


• "The insinuation that John McCain, a former prisoner of war, once called Leonardo DiCaprio 'an androgynous wimp' is — wait, who disagrees?"


• "The insinuation that John McCain, a former prisoner of war, would pander about his POW experience in a presidential campaign is outrageous."

Despite Assurances, McCain Wasn’t in a ‘Cone of Silence’ [NYT]

Puma PAC Founder Invents Time Machine

Darragh Murphy is so angry at Barack Obama, she not only founded pro-Hillary Puma PAC in early June, she also donated $500 to John McCain.

In 2000.

Although the PTO is not yet aware of her temporal transportation breakthrough, evidence of its existence can be found at the FEC, where two bloggers independently discovered records of the five-Benjamin throwdown to McCain's primary campaign against George Bush.

Murphy is understandably incensed that somebody violated her stealth tech company's NDA:

"Thank you as well for reminding me that I DID EVERYTHING I COULD in 2000 to prevent GEORGE BUSH from becoming the Republican nominee, including donating money to McCain’s campaign and voting for him in the Republican primary here in Massachusetts because I was confident that my hero, AL GORE, would win the primary for the Democrats."

The self-described lifelong Democrat must also be concerned that a competitor has stolen one of her time-machine prototypes, since no record of any other political donations by her can be found. Not in 2000, not in 2004, not in 2008.

Some observers have proposed an alternate theory: Murphy is a longtime McCain supporter who conceived and executed a brilliant Black Ops maneuver to take advantage of dissension among Soccer Moms. But skeptics consider that too far-fetched to merit consideration.

Puma PAC’s founder Darragh Murphy (hearts) John McCain [Rumproast, June 25]

PUMAs are Swiftboats [Pandagon, June 28]

PUMA De-Fanged on Hardball [AOL Political Machine, Aug. 15]

Play the Home Game!

It's not the most sophisticated presentation, and perhaps not the most sophisticated technique, but we're taking a liking to Electoral-vote.com — mainly because it collates state polls that we've had trouble finding, and provides a better daily snapshot of the race than meaningless national polls.

Currently Obama "wins" the Electoral Collage with 275 votes (270 needed), but the master count takes the polls as is, without the margin of error. More helpful is the map itself: anything white is a statistical tossup, and even the lighter reds and blues are so close they might as well be in play.

Only the strong reds and blues are locked down (for now), and those show Obama leading 165-131.

Today, anyway. Back on August 1, it was 197-97.

It's not easy to jump to any day at will, but the site also offers a nice tracking graph, annotated with signifcant events — including, for comparison, 2004. "Reagan dies", "Fahrenheit 9/11 opens" and "Swift boat ad" pretty much sum up that summer...

Electoral-vote.com

Turn Me On, Dead Man

This week in news guaranteed to blow. your. mind. comes word that God is a hermaphrodite.

That's right. Not just Alpha and Omega, but AC/DC. Innie and outie. Pistil and stamen. Man and, um, man in the boat.

How do we know? After six thousand years, somebody finally thought to read it backwards.

The journal of Reform rabbis published an article this week proclaiming that if the four-letter Hebrew name of God were spelled backward and pronounced it would sound like the Hebrew words for "he" and "she."

Actually, HWHY sounds like our aunt sneezing, but bear with us.

The reasoning is that since Hashem -- Moses' name spelled backwards -- is Hebrew for "The Name", perhaps God backmasked Himself as well. ("Hashem" is how you refer to He Who Must Not Be Named, roughly equivalent to "gosh" for Christianists.)

And that would suggest that the ancient Israelites saw God as a self-satisfying deity.

We find the whole notion far-fetched, although it was probably handy to fend off nosy neighbors who asked why there wasn't a Mrs. God.

Is God a hermaphrodite? [Chicago Tribune]

The Porpoise-Driven Liveblog

What's that, Flipper? You say the presidential candidates are debating at a church? Only it's not really a debate, more like dueling interviews, and not really a church, more like a Mall of Christ?

Or are you bitching about the headline? Dolphins, porpoises, nobody gives a flying backflip about your evolutionary turf wars, and you all taste the same to my friend Shamu across the I-8.

So quit yer yap-yap-yap yap-yap-yap yap-yap-yap-yap-yappin’. We have some serious typing to do in about twenty minutes. Here, go fetch this can of tuna.

7:43: It's actually 4:43 in Sandy Eggo, but we'll try to transpose the hours, at least through the first couple of beers.

7:48: CNN's chattering about some JeezusFest in D.C. -- anti-abortion, anti-gay-marriage, yadda yadda. Note to self: Find the place in the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus says "Blessed Are the Cretins".

7:54: CNN talking head: "A lot of people do get their information from the Internet, and they're cynical." Drink!

8:00: LET'S GET READY TO RUMMMMMMMBLE!!!

8:02: Pastor Rick bringz da rimshotz.

8:08: Barry drops Matthew on "America's greatest moral failure", successfully evades three days of headlines.

8:15: Commercial break? "Resting on the seventh day: Priceless."

8:27: Barry does a soft-shoe around abortion, comes up with "civil unions" for gay marriage, yadda yadda about stem cells. Whatever happened to Liberation Theology?

8:32: Given the opportunity to knock off a Justice, Barry picks off Thomas first, then Scalia. Thomas may be "incompetent", but isn't that better than if he knew what he was doing?

8:41: So here's the news: Pastor Rick is asking better questions than most network anchors. He actually drove through the hot buttons rather quickly, almost apologetically, and the lack of high-five gotchas is a nice change. We can almost forgive him for the goatee.

8:57: Barry's done, no howlers. What a disappointment. Bring it on, Geezer, we need to drink.

9:02: And Geezer opens with a shout-out to Petraeus. Game ON!

9:04: Greatest moral failure? "The failure of my first marriage." No details, but give him credit.

9:07: Shout-out to Reagan! Shout-out to Thatcher! Please, don't everyone yell Bingo at once.

9:08: Offshore drilling! DJ Geez is picking ’em up and laying ’em down!

9:09: Nukes! Oh sweet Jesus, the crowd is about to spontaneously rapture! GEE-zer! GEE-zer!

9:11: POW! Dude, even Cher saves something for the encore.

9:16: Is it the POW Christmas story? Is it? Cross in the sand? Come on, come on...

9:17: YESSSS! Pandermonium breaks out!

9:19: Hey, PUMA! "I've got a 25-year pro-life record."

9:22: Bin Laden, Gates of Hell, etc.

9:23: Iraq! Iraq! Iraq!

9:24: Is it just us, or did Geezer just put his stump speech on shuffle?

9:29: And we thought Reagan governed by index card. Geezer plans to govern by bumper sticker.

9:33: Typical example of wasteful spending: $3 million on bear DNA. Um, what about the trillion in Iraq?

9:37: McCain feels strongly about your Constitutional rights. But it seems he can't count to Four.

9:39: In case it's not yet apparent: Barry tried to engage the questions (within political limits, of course), while Geezer just twists them into a talking point. Why do we suspect McCain will get the credit for a "strong performance"?

9:41: Second or third Reagan reference, plus at least two Petraeuses. Full house!

9:44: Hey, fundies: "Georgia was one of the earliest Christian nations." Well, that cuts through the complexities.

9:47: Another Reagan. That's four Ronnies. Call.

9:51: "I put my country first during the S&L crisis." Hold on, we think we got the audio wrong.

9:53: And... scene! Now on to CNN, so they can tell us how they watched a different event entirely.

Scripturetacular!

(From left: Barack Obama, Rick Warren, Rick Warren, and Sam Brownback.)

The Saddleback Roundup starts at 7 8 p.m. Eastern, CNN, MSNBC and Fox will be broadcasting it, and we're desperately seeking excuses not to liveblog it.

Unless Bob Barr storms the sanctuary, of course. Nothing spices up an event like a purpose-driven Libertarian.

Update: Make that 8 p.m. Eastern. We'll be lining up our livebrews around 7:45.

Barr goes to court to demand entry into Saddleback Church [Atlanta Journal-Constitution]

Do They Sync with The Wizard of Oz?

We've been trying to rewrite this lead all afternoon, but how do you compete with greatness?

A man has been banned by a court from having sex with his partner at her home after keeping neighbours awake with loud shouting and banging in the night.

Really, you might as well try to outswim Phelps, or outkaraoke some cute Chinese kid.

As to the details: neighbors complained, Rutting Gold Medalist Adam Hinton was hit with a £200 fine for "breaching a noise abatement order" — crank at 11, we hope — Hinton threatened the neighbors, and the Brighton, England, council stepped in with an injunction against him to mind his distance.

How loud was it? While we can't find reports of car alarms being set off, some neighbors had to be moved to quieter flats. How can you sleep with all that fucking racket going on?

Man banned from sex at love nest [BBC. That's right. BB-fucking-C.]

Do You Speak Jive?

Reading through the Obama campaign's 40-page response to Swift Boat II: Barackolypse Now, we're rather disappointed with the quality of the calumny. There's nothing your idiot relatives haven't already warned you about in forwarded emails — the madrassa, the drugs, assorted radicals and militants, Rezko — plus an odd diversion into Kenyan politics which would bore us even if true.

However: Did you know that Barack Obama shamelessly plagiarizes the sixteenth and eighteenth centuries?

In a section on borrowed lines from movies, Corsi wrote, “Obama has repeatedly used the words bamboozled and hoodwinked in framing his argument that the truth has been hidden from voters.”

What makes this noteworthy is the full page devoted to addressing this slur, with seven examples of contemporary usage, including Jesse Jackson Jr. ("We’ve been hoodwinked, bamboozled, run amok and led astray by Al Jolson politics before." — Pop taught you well, kiddo) and Ray Nagin. Which we're sure will come in very handy the next time you're challenged to defend Barry's use of haolebonics.

The book debuts at the top of the Times "nonfiction" list this week, and while purchasers may be hoping to be goshbustified by a sockdolager, we suspect instead they'll be hornswoggled by a scalawag absquatulating with their hard-earned skrilla.

Obama campaign issues rebuttal to book's claims [AP]

Unfit for Publication [Obama campaign]

She’s B-a-a-a-a-a-c-k!

Hillary Clinton will be placed in nomination at convention [LAT]

Truth and Reconciliation

You give us the first, we'll think about the second.

Colin Powell: Will he or won't he publicly back Barack Obama? [LAT]

We Just Like Saying “Shuttlecock”

Everything you need to know about Olympic badminton. (Sorry, couldn't find anything to match the swimmers.)

Bach's big booster: His dad will watch S.F. badminton star go for glory [SFGate]

Nathan Robertson and Gail Emms defy the odds [Times UK]

Yo Quiero Taco Bell

We're starting to think the Harley fumes got to Geezer.

Frantic Search Begins for Remaining Laws to Subvert

Facing a Constitutionally imposed deadline of January 20 to declare martial law or get out of Dodge, the Bush Administration has launched a government-wide mandate to undermine any laws it has not yet ignored.

"This one's tough," said a harried DoJ lawyer, speaking on background. "There's not much left."

Insiders were shocked that the Endangered Species Act had lasted this long, and blamed Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne for not dispatching it sooner. Kempthorne finally got around to knocking off bald eagles and polar bears Monday night, allowing federal agencies to skip scientific review and decide for themselves whether running an Interstate through Yosemite was likely to cause problems for non-voting rodents.

"Look, we're busy figuring out how to stripmine Yellowstone," said Kempthorne. "Cut us some slack."

The new Suck or Die Initiative aims to secure George W. Bush's place in history as not merely the worst but the most destructive U.S. president, amid concerns that a McCain Administration may challenge his standing. The initiative follows recent revelations that Bush included a signing statement with his oath of office.

Bush to relax protected species rules [AP]

Check Your Pressure

December 12, 2000	$1.42	White smoke indicates Supreme Court has chosen new president.
April 30, 2001	$1.62	Cheney: "Conservation may be a sign of personal virtue, but it is not a sufficient basis for a sound, comprehensive energy policy."
August 6, 2001	$1.37	"Bin Laden Determined to Strike in U.S."
September 11, 2001	$1.52	Bin Laden strikes in U.S.
September 11, 2001, 2:40 p.m.	$1.52	Rumsfeld: "Best info fast. Judge whether good enough hit S.H. at same time."
October 7, 2002	$1.43	Bush: "Facing clear evidence of peril, we cannot wait for the final proof — the smoking gun — that could come in the form of a mushroom cloud."
March 27, 2003	$1.64	Wolfowitz: "We are dealing with a country that can really finance its own reconstruction, and relatively soon."
April 11, 2003	$1.59	Rumsfeld: "Stuff happens."
May 17, 2004	$2.01	Colin Powell, responding to Seymour Hersh's report that Abu Ghraib was not an accident: "Watch America — watch how we deal with this."
April 20, 2005	$2.23	Bush: "I wish I could simply wave a magic wand and lower gas prices tomorrow. I'd do that. Unfortunately higher gas prices are a problem that had been years in the making."
August 15, 2005	$2.55	The corner Mobil posts a sign explaining that adjusted for inflation, 1981 gas cost $3 per gallon...
September 5, 2005	$3.06	...but the sign soon disappears.
December 11, 2006	$2.29	"Access to the Pacific, Atlantic, and eastern Gulf regions would not have a significant impact on domestic crude oil and natural gas production or prices before 2030." (2007 annual report, Energy Information Administration)
September 20, 2007	$2.78	The U.S. dollar drops to parity with the Canadian loonie for the first time since 1976. The Canadian dollar was worth 62 cents in January 2002.
February 28, 2008	$3.13	Bush: "You’re predicting $4 a gallon gasoline? That’s interesting. I hadn’t heard that."
May 20, 2008	$3.79	Newt Gingrich announces "Drill Here, Drill Now, Pay Less"
July 21, 2008	$4.06	McCain attack ad: "Who can you thank for rising prices at the pump?"
July 31, 2008	$3.95	AP: "Exxon Mobil reported the fattest operating profit in U.S. corporate history."

U.S. Retail Gasoline Prices [DoE]

OMG! OMG!

Barry's about to choose — his mate!

You have helped build this movement from the bottom up, and Barack wants you to be the first to know his choice.

Sign up today to be the first to know:

http://my.barackobama.com/vp

You will receive an email the moment Barack makes his decision, or you can text VP to 62262 to receive a text message on your mobile phone.

Oh pleasepleaseplease let it be — well, let it not be. Anyone else is fine.

Isaac Hayes, 1942-2008

Singer, songwriter Isaac Hayes dies at age 65 [AP]

God is My Co-Pilot, and He's Packing Heat

Preacher Thomas Howell was driving to his Cincinnati church one morning last June when the Devil, assuming the form of restaurant cook April Evans, cut him off at the intersection of Burnet and Forest.

So, inspired by a vengeful God, he did what any man of the cloth would do: Pulled up alongside her, whipped out his pistol, "and asked if she knew who she was messing with before threatening to shoot."

Apparently she didn't, as the two cars proceeded to reenact the more exciting parts of The French Connection through the neighborhoods of Clifton, Avondale and Walnut Hills.

"Every time I get in back of him, he would pull the gun out on me and point it towards me and whatever," Evans testified last week. "He said, 'You don't know who I am,' called me another [name] and said… 'I'll shoot you.' "

Howell was convicted of aggravated menacing. A spokesangel for the Lord said He was too busy deciding which Olympic athletes to bless, and unavailable for comment.

Preacher guilty of road-rage [Cincinnati Enquirer]

Dear Canada: We Owe You One

We the citizens of the United States of America would like to formally apologize for being unable to keep our nutcases shackled in the basement. We understand that while you might find the Westboro Hate Clown Troupe amusing from a distance, allowing them to penetrate your borders in order to protest the funeral of a bus beheading victim because your country doesn't burn homosexualists at the stake is tantamount to an act of war. Please don't embargo the BC bud in retaliation.

P.S. You're off the hook for Bryan Adams.

Police issue warning, caution against funeral disturbances [Winnepeg Sun]

Pointed Allusion to Contemporary Politics Captivates Iowa Fairgoers

At the Iowa State Fair, John McCain participates in a tableaux honoring his cogenerationist Thomas Nast. In a related story, Dick Cheney will speak the first night of the Republican convention.

McCain at the Iowa State Fair [NYT]

CSI: Cop Splooge Investigation

The Houston Police Department has been caught with its pants down after $50,000 worth of sex toys turned up missing from its property warehouse.

The 564 "devices" — sorry, details not available — were seized in a 2005 vice raid on the Adult Video Megaplexxx, and locked away as evidence. But after the 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals overturned the relevant law and the owners asked for their inventory back, they were told the toys had been destroyed.

One problem with that: There's no required court order on file authorizing the destruction.

But while we entertain the obvious explanations, pity the poor acting director of the UT law school's Criminal Defense Clinic, who got called to comment on the story. "If I go over to your house and spend the night there and leave my shoes," he asked, "can I expect my shoes to be there three years later?"

Missing sex toys raise concerns at HPD property room [Houston Chronicle]

Doing the Math

Connecticut Post

Yes Sir, That's Not My Baby

Sure, Johnny boffed the chick, but he swears her child is not the daughter of the son of a millworker. He stopped fucking the mother months before the birth.

But we just want to revive one of the great SNL bits, Ackroyd as Jimmy discussing the timeless Democratic tradition, "sexual performance in the White House":

So far in my campaign, I have only fantisized. But now I actually look forward to some of the girls I've lusted after. Saucy vixens like Lainie Kazan, Shari Lewis, Phyllis Newman — actually, I'm not sure God ever forgave me for Phyllis Newman. But I want you to look at our Democratic figures — FDR, LBJ, JFK, Harry Truman — now, here were lusty, zesty men, seething with vital hormonal secretions. These were men of action. Doers. Democrats! As your president, I look forward to deeply satisfying each and every last one of you! God forgive us all! Thank you!

Barry, we're looking at you. Phylicia Rashad ain't getting any younger.

Edwards Admits Sexual Affair; Lied as Presidential Candidate [ABC]

Swing Low, Sweet Patriots

You'll pardon our sheltered upbringing, but we didn't know there was a "Black National Anthem," and apparently it's not Les McCann singing "Compared to What."

It's official name is "Lift Every Voice and Sing," originally a poem by James Weldon Johnson, and first sung in 1900 on Lincoln's Birthday by a choir of 500 children at the segregated Jacksonville, Florida, school where Johnson was principal.

Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us,
Sing a song full of the hope that the present has brought us.

Sounds really nice when Aretha does it, but then so does everything.

Johnson's brother Rosamond wrote the music, and the song was an instant inspirational hit. By 1919, the NAACP had adopted it as its official anthem, and it was revived during the civil-rights movement. In 1990, it was entered into the Congressional Record as "The African American National Hymn."

Oh, and if you sing it instead of the Star-Spangled Banner before a Denver mayoral speech, you'll get hate mail and death threats.

Rene Marie talks about death threats since 'anthem switch' [News2 Denver]

We Don’t Take Kindly to Your Superlatives

"If Obama can show himself to be a person of faith, it also helps him combat the idea that he's an elitist, that he's not a mainstream American."
– Steve Waldman, founder and
editor-in-chief of Beliefnet

• "The reactor is about to blow! Send me the most typical people you've got!"


• The Tamest Generation


• The Few. The Proud. The Shunned.


• "I'm knave of the world!"


• Profiles in Average


• My Child Keeps His Head Down at Middleton Middle School


• Lives of the Ain'ts


• "Some are born mediocre, some achieve mediocrity, and some have mediocrity thrust upon them."


• Guinness Book of World Medians


• "Just because he can walk on water doesn't make him special."

Evangelicals Up For Grabs? Candidates Court Voters [NPR]

Wuss.

While McCain's latest ad is being noted for going back to the "celebrity" well, what catches our eye are the two money shots illustrating his energy plan: a majestic midday view of an offshore drilling platform, plus a dramatic perspective of the cooling tower of a nuclear power plant.

What? No?

John McCain ad again questions 'celebrity' Barack Obama's leadership credentials [LAT]

Adventures in Advertising

Greyhound has scrapped an advertising campaign that extolled the relaxing effects of bus travel after a passenger was accused of repeatedly stabbing and then beheading a traveler in the next seat while their bus was on a desolate stretch of highway in Manitoba last week. (AP)

"Cancel that ad now or heads will roll!"

Drama in Real Life

A man who wore press credentials and took photographs from a platform interrupted Barack Obama's town-hall meeting Tuesday by shouting complaints that the Democratic presidential candidate had not called for the audience to say the Pledge of Allegiance. (AP)

I was returning home with my family from a ski trip when suddenly the brakes gave out on the steep mountain road. After narrowly missing two oncoming cars, I lost control and we plunged over a cliff, rolling six or seven times before landing in a fiery explosion. I'll never forget to say the Pledge again.
– Joe R., Medford, Ore.
The one day I forgot to say the Pledge was the day my house collapsed under a falling jet engine. Learned my lesson!
– Beverly D., Indianapolis, Ind.
Just for kicks, I tried saying "Underwear" instead of "Under God". Three prostate surgeries and a bankruptcy later, I'm now eating leftovers from the Dumpster behind the Olive Garden.
– Richard H., Biloxi, Miss.
Despite my best effort to suppress it, midway through I let out this honker of a sneeze. I'm still dealing with the whiplash lawsuits from everyone spinning their heads to glare at me.
– Susan M., Casper, Wy.
It's only words? You wouldn't say that if you had been abducted by aliens, subjected to anal probes, your organs harvested for the Feast of Interstellar Conquest, implanted with the seed of Gzymidranopoz, and given birth to the Xyzznothan Lord of Darkness, all in twenty-seven minutes.
– William J., Sparks, Nev.
Honest to gosh I try, but whenever I say "with liberty and justice for all," Dick slaps me upside the head.
– George B., Washington, D.C.

Man heckles Obama about Pledge of Allegiance [AP]

If Symptoms Persist, Call Your Mortician

McCain started his week with a visit to the National Label Co. in Lafayette Hill, Pa. The 97-year-old, family owned business makes labels for an array of products, from medicines such as Tylenol to shampoos in the Suave family. (AP)

Try New GEEZEX!

WARNING: GEEZEX (fuckus republicanus) is intended for the relief of fear due to change. GEEZEX is not for everyone. Clinical studies have shown GEEZEX to be ineffective against outbreaks of Paultardia and Huckapox. Do not take GEEZEX when driving or operating heavy machinery, as loss of consciousness may occur when exposed to prolonged dosages. Do not take GEEZEX in combination with conscience inhibitors, as Rovian Dysentery may result. Side effects may include shortness of temper, electoral dysfunction, explosive diarrhea, and dark nights of the soul. Ask your pastor whether GEEZEX is right for you.

I'd Watch It

Netflix member "NA 937504" on camp trash classic The Toxic Avenger:

If you were to shove a cherry bomb up a brain damaged gorilla's can, give him a camera, and the resources to shoot a film — this is what you would end up with.

No, no, no — that's a negative review. The good ones recommend filming the gorilla.

Your Lips Move, But I Can’t Hear What You Say

• June 4, addressing AIPAC:
  "Jerusalem will remain the capital of Israel, and it must remain undivided."


• June 26, on DC v. Heller:
  "I have always believed that the Second Amendment protects the right of individuals to bear arms, but I also identify with the need for crime-ravaged communities to save their children from the violence that plagues our streets through common-sense, effective safety measures. The Supreme Court has now endorsed that view."


• July 1, on expanding "faith-based" programs:
  "Make no mistake, as someone who used to teach constitutional law, I believe deeply in the separation of church and state, but I don't believe this partnership will endanger that idea."


• July 10, on FISA:
  "Senator Obama has said before that the compromise bill is not perfect," his campaign said in a statement. "Given the choice between voting for an improved yet imperfect bill, and losing important surveillance tools, Senator Obama chose to support the FISA compromise."


• August 1, on offshore drilling:
  "If we can come up with a genuine, bipartisan compromise in which I have to accept some things I don't like, or the Democrats have to accept some things that they don't like, in exchange for moving us in the direction of energy independence, than that's something I'm open to."

Damn those nuanced positions. They're really starting to mess with our head.

Obama's Shift on Drilling [WaPo]

The Lord is My Stool Pigeon

Bank teller Robin Davis was simply minding her own business one day when the Lord deposited $10,304 to her account. But when she tried to withdraw $1,500 of it, God forgot to countersign the cashier's check.

And now He's acting like He doesn't even know her.

A Sumter, South Carolina, jury convicted Davis of fraud Friday, despite her insistence that the adjustment was literally a gift from God. Her lawyer plans to appeal, on the apparent grounds that Jehovah failed to answer a summons to explain why He used her bank ID and password to grace her financial status.

But prosecutor Catherine Fant hinted she already has that Witness on ice. "If God would have given you the money and blessed you," said Fant, "he wouldn’t have framed you."

Ex-teller found guilty of bank fraud [Sumter Item]

Red Fish Blue Fish

Simon & Schuster Books for Young Readers will simultaneously publish inspirational picture book biographies of Barack Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton. The exceptional accomplishments of these larger-than-life politicians will be highlighted in their individual illustrated biographies.
– PR Newswire
Hillary Hears a Who

Oh, no.
I can not hear your call.
I can not hear your call at all.
This is not good
and I know why.
A mouse has cut the wire.
Good-by!

Hop on McPop

I do not like
this one so well.
All he does
is yell, yell, yell.
I will not have this one about.
When he comes in
I put him out.

The Barack in the Hat

Did you ever
fly a kite
in bed?

Did you ever walk
with ten cats
on your head?

Did you ever milk
this kind of cow?
Well, we can do it.
We know how.

If you never did,
you should.
These things are fun
and fun is good.

Hillary vs. Obama in the children's book smackdown [Boston.com]

Strap Your Hands Across My Engines

Maybe it's best that we can't find details about this, but Edward Smith of Washington really loves cars. No, he really loves them. Yes, that way.

His current squeeze is Vanilla, a white Beetle. This follows tempestuous affairs with Victoria (’69 Beetle) and Cinnamon (’73 Opal), but he also likes to rock the larger ladies, like Ginger (’93 Ranger). And then there are the thousand or so one-night stands in showrooms and with strangers' cars, which might explain those neighborhood alarms going off at 2 a.m.

Smith himself is a ’51 American who peeled his first paint at 15. "Maybe I'm a little bit off the wall, but when I see movies like Herbie and Knight Rider, where cars become loveable, huggable characters, it's just wonderful," he says when he's not shagging the upholstery.

We'd write more, but our Civic has been a bad coupe and needs to be punished.

Meet the man who has had sex with 1,000 cars! [Newstrack India]

McCain Swiftboats Himself

Are we missing something? Because every time we see one of these Avis ads, we just want to go out and rent a Hertz.

John McCain compares Barack Obama to the original celebrity [LAT]

Is That a Gavel in Your Pocket?

KansasCity.com

Protest Group Wistfully Remembers Year of Tet Offensive, Two Assassinations, and Richard Nixon

Oh, and the Democratic Convention. That too. As we recall, the Chicago protests had something to do with Vietnam, the Democratic administrations that promulgated it, and the Democratic presidential candidate who attended state funerals while LBJ pulled his dog's ears and showed his scars. Good times.

So, if you'd like to recreate the rebellious spirit of that year in time for the conventions, the place to fight the power is -- Denver?

Let us be clear: the name is not “Recreate Chicago 68” or “Recreate the DNC 68.” The idea that “Recreate 68” refers specifically to the events of late August 1968 in Chicago has been put out by those who wish to discredit an organization planning peaceful, nonviolent protests by associating it with what they would have us believe was a violent protest 40 years ago.

Fair enough. As the organizers remind us, Chicago was a "police riot", and nobody wants to recreate that.

Then why 1968? Why not revive the spirit of the Freedom Riders (1961), the March on Washington (1963), or the Voting Rights Act (1965) -- historic events driven by "mass movements of people who demanded that America live up to its own democratic rhetoric", as the organizers self-righteously proclaim? Why "recreate" the year we as a nation plunged into darkness?

Really, if you want go all Abbie Hoffman on us, send 50,000 people to levitate the Pentagon. Oh, but that was 1967.

Judge to Rule on Limits at Denver Convention [NYT]

Recreate 68

Schadenfreude on a Stick

We shit you not. Only $25,199,995 to go.

Bill Clinton sees a bright side to Hillary being a loser [LAT]

Have a Meal with Hillary