Denver! Denver! Denver!

Game over -- except for the Sunday talk shows, the Credentials Committee, the Convention floor, the splinter party...

Here's the box score:

1. Seat all Florida delegates: 12 for, 15 against. FAIL.

2. Half-votes for Florida delegates, with five minutes of footnotes: 27 for, 1 abstain(?). PASS.

3. Half-votes for Michigan delegates, with another five minutes of footnotes: 19 for, 8 against. PASS.

Comment of the Day to Chicago Bureau: “I’m not saying we wouldn’t get our hair mussed! What I am saying is 10 to 20 million pissed off liberals, tops! Depending on the breaks.”

Florida, Michigan get all delegates but each gets half vote [CNN]

Update: "The Committee awarded to Senator Obama not only the delegates won by Uncommitted, but four of the delegates won by Senator Clinton. This decision violates the bedrock principles of our democracy and our Party. We reserve the right to challenge this decision before the Credentials Committee and appeal for a fair allocation of Michigan’s delegates that actually reflect the votes as they were cast."

Oh, it's on. Especially in the comments.

Decision on Florida and Michigan [blogHillary]

Wouldn't You Like to be a Cylon, Too?

Programming note: Today's episode of Battlestar Democratica begins at 9:30 a.m. Eastern, when we finally learn whether the renegade Floridian and Michigonia ships are allowed to rejoin the ragtag fleet, and perhaps are shown further clues to the remaining silicon-based life forms in the DNC.

As much as we'd love to watch Donna Brazile kick ass and take names, the Sandy Eggo Bureau has a strict policy not to open its doors before noon on weekends, and plans on waiting for the DVD to show up at Netflix.

Photo: Barack Obama (left), Hillbot 9000

Fountain of Youth

After noticing some Unlicensed Rutting going on in one of our more chaste threads, we're hastily compelled to introduce a new feature. In this inaugural edition, and in homage to one of the more notable scenes from Classic SATC, a story from those stuffy Brits that will unstuff your plumbing.

Will tantric sex help my love life? [Times Online]

Busy, Busy Beevers

Look, Google News, all I want to do is troll the headlines for some quick hits, and all I get is fucking National Spelling Bee links all over the fucking place.

Stop it. Stop it now. Or I'll, um, riant your thermolysis.

Yes, it would be easy to joke about the contest being nothing more than an advertisement for Scrabble dictionaries. Or how the real spelling issue isn't eidetic miscible brininess, but there, their and they're.

But here's what gets my sufflaminate in a galimatias: those poor abused children have to spell these words out loud, making the exercise completely irrelevant. I'm a champion fifth-grade speller, but my ability is entirely visual. I know how words look. On the page. Where we read them.

All you're doing is teaching kids meaningless skills that will only prepare them for pointless, frustrating lives. Better to just drop the ruse now and hand them a spatula.

Scripps National Spelling Bee

Harvey Korman, 1927-2008

Damn, dude. Good run.

'Carol Burnett' star Harvey Korman dies at 81 [AP]

Rachael Ray, Islamofascist

Another notch for Michelle Malkin:

Dunkin' Donuts has pulled an online advertisement featuring Rachael Ray after complaints that a fringed black-and-white scarf that the celebrity chef wore in the ad offers symbolic support for Muslim extremism and terrorism.

The coffee and baked goods chain said the ad that began appearing online May 7 was pulled over the past weekend because "the possibility of misperception detracted from its original intention to promote our iced coffee."

In the spot, Ray holds an iced coffee while standing in front of trees with pink blossoms.

Critics, including conservative commentator Michelle Malkin, complained that the scarf wrapped around her looked like a kaffiyeh, the traditional Arab headdress.

And that's what happens when you cross Starbucks. Do not make fun of their coffee names.

Dunkin' Donuts pulls Rachael Ray ad after complaints [AP]

Candidate Shocks Nation by Blowing Smoke Out Mouth

Now that Psychogeezer's ass has been given a clean (if freckled) bill of health, and Hillbot's maintenance records have been inspected by factory technicians, America's attention turns to the dark-lunged past of the Magic Negro.

Send the children from the room and sit down: Unicorn has been revealed to smoke cigarettes.

And not just a few just to be social with the outcasts on the sidewalk -- as many as 70,000 over 25 years, although the campaign refuses to release a detailed accounting. "Long term risks for pancreatic, esophageal, bladder, and kidney cancers," not to mention stroke, are raising fears of a crippled president, unable to lead his nation at war. (No, that one.)

Reports that Hillbot operatives have been leaving cartons of Kools around Unicorn HQ remain unconfirmed.

Will smoking past affect Obama’s health? [Politico]

Sirhan Hillary Sirhan

Let's skip the throat-clearing and cut to the chase:

"My husband did not wrap up the nomination in 1992 until he won the California primary somewhere in the middle of June, right? We all remember Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California. You know I just, I don't understand it."

Time was when she bothered to code her messages. Glad to see she's found her voice.

Clinton cites Kennedy assassination in primaries [AP]

Update: "I regret that if my referencing that moment of trauma for our entire nation and in particular the Kennedy family was in any way offensive. I certainly had no intention of that whatsoever," the former first lady said.

No, no, of course not. Mission Accomplished!

Clinton apologies for Kennedy remark [AP]

Lorem Ipsum Assum Geezerdum

(Note to copy desk: Please insert something about candidate's medical report, just enough to make room for Yet Another Adult Swim Graphic, and lead readers to the link headline below. If you can fit in "Buttocks unremarkable except for some very light tan freckling," more's the better. Kthxbai, noj.)

John McCain and his 'unremarkable' buttocks [LA Times]

Australia's Cultural Reputation Under Siege

Breaking news from the Oz cultural beat: the hallowed pub crawl is under threat from nanny-state politicians. Late-night patrons would be refused re-entry after leaving, and establishments would be required to close their doors as early as 2 a.m.

"This would prevent all-night pub crawls and drunken louts wandering the streets from watering hole to watering hole," reports the Opera House rag.

Even more stunning: "The ministers also agreed to a ban of fruit-flavoured and confectionary-flavoured cigarettes by December 2009."

With Australia's reputation already under attack from New Zealand's fourth most popular guitar-based digi-bongo acapella-rap-funk-comedy folk duo, Americans are now forced to consider whether consumption of Foster's supports an oppressive regime, and whether to switch to Steinlager instead.

Locks go on late night pub crawls [Sydney Morning Herald]

Plutocrats Split Over Whose Milkshake to Drink

Match the gazillionaire with the Unicorn evaluation:

1) "I personally think he would be a terrible president."

2) "I will be very happy if he is elected president."

Hint: Neither is Donald Trump, who is not a plutocrat but a failed reality-series star.

Did you guess right?

1) Carl Icahn, who fears raising taxes on the filthy rich will ruin the economy.

2) Warren Buffett, who has parlayed his Margaritaville royalties into a major fortune.

Thanks for playing!

Billionaires differ on Obama [Boston Globe]

Oil Execs Fear Market Solution to Oil Crisis

Now that Shrub has taken the walk of shame after his Arabian night, oil executives are back in Washington, calling on Americans to "send a signal to the world about the United States' resolve to deal with its own energy problems." Their visionary plan calls for smaller cars, more public transportation, substantial tax credits for hybrids--

Oops. Got that mixed up with the Tralfamador news feed.

No, what they want is to suck Alaska dry, or what's left of Alaska after global warming takes care of the rest. A few more million barrels a day should do it:

"If the nation set a goal of increasing domestic production by 2 (million) to 3 million barrels a day by opening up new sources of exploration and production, we could demonstrate to the world that we are in control of our own destiny," Shell Oil Co. President John Hofmeister told a Senate panel today.

The problem, of course, is that Americans are already taking matters into their own hands: Because of high prices, oil imports are expected to fall for the first time since 1977.

Oil execs ask Congress to allow more U.S. drilling [Houston Chronicle]